Too Smart for one's own good

HydCreative had some rules imposed on it, one of which was the English-only policy... No more Hindi, or any other language for that matter... Someone then came up with this mockery...

I wanted a power cut on a full moon night
To search the moon in the brightness of my love’s face.

Original version:
ngsh;zkp ,utd;W ‘gth; fl;’ Ntz;bNdd; - vd;
ngz;zpytpd; ntspr;rj;jpy; ntz;zpyitj; Njl

Comments are always welcome. This post has every right to be deleted by the moderators. Posting the original version as I felt the essence is lost in English.


Well, being the moderator, and moreover being ME, I couldn't let this pass unanswered. So :D


Originally written in the language of my home planet Nostewpidpeeplearaoondapolis:

SDFH$T%^Q£$$^WDFGWER
DFGW$%^£$%WQWFG”$%^£%”£$%^”£RTDFG
SDFH$^*$%£$TWDDFG”$%^”£$Q”$£^%^
FG£$%^”TQEG”^”£$
£$%DFG”£%FQ$%”£$%
“£$FG”$%TYRRTBGdf654651354
sFs%^fg%$^SFGH$dfgh5geg$%£FGS
DGF£$%WFST£

It is short in that script because the Nostewpidpeeplearaoondapolisian alphabet there has 2034 characters compared to 26 of the English alphabet.

English Translation:

Someone thinks he is way too bright
To be posting a mockery in his demeanour uptight
Well guess what, it doesn’t go with everyone’s appetite
So here’s my response, dripping with spite

The reason for the English-only policy
Is not to restrict creativity
But then you never know what is original and what is piracy
So how can you expect the moderators to do their job in all its sanctity?

I have with me a Bhojpuri Poem, of a long-dead poet
I will post it and claim it’s something I wrote when I took my dog to the vet
The (poor) moderators will not have a Bhojpuri expert on board
So I will be getting away with a theft in daylight broad

If Hindi is allowed, then Telugu should be too
This is the argument used, by many, not few
So Telugu isn’t in and Hindi’s out as well
To have posts in a language that everyone can speak and tell

If English doesn’t cover the sense you tried to portray
Then add the prefix of ‘non-’ and send it on its way
Till then hold your peace and let me hold mine
Else I will never earn the Lord’s mercy divine

Damn Essence lost in translation, but I’m sure it still hurts where it’s supposed to… Compliments accepted whole-heartedly!

Planet name courtesy was Corny A.K.A Ashwin Alexander. I wanted to use the name he suggested initially (Skrewyemorawn), but couldn't due to restrictions of propriety :P

Sapped of Strength

Hmmm... Someone has deleted her blog (or merely changed the URL) after getting harsh feedback... And then people ask me to not be sensitive...

So basically any crap bullshit said to my face is to be taken quietly, as "positive/constructive criticism", and if I do the same thing, I'm being harsh??? Yeah that makes as much sense to me as Family planning makes to Laloo Prasad Yadav...

I expected a certain testimonial to disappear as well, now let's see how long that lasts...
I'm tired of being strong for everyone else's sake... I don't have the strength to be strong anymore... I just don't...

There are times when I need my Guardian Angel around too... Nobody realises that some people expend a tremendous amount of energy to merely be normal... I do... To put up a front of everything being absolutely normal and fine, when inside I'm bleeding, crying, dying...

Didn't eat the whole of yesterday... Felt hungry sometime around eight... But hunger died too... My body didn’t complain... just suffered silently.

I remember doing this once a long time ago too... Pushing myself like this... My system retaliated with an unbearable cramp... I punished it by offering it nothing but more alcohol for two more days... Came to my senses after that...

Yesterday it rained like crazy here... Some cyclonic thing... I went driving... Yes Em I did, I just had to... It's like there are moments when a different person takes over me...

I wouldn't say it's some split personality thing is in control... I am fully conscious of whatever I am doing, it's just that I'm helpless to not go along with it... Maybe a part of me wants me to go along...

I did not take any jacket either... Just a t-shirt, tracks, floaters and a helmet... I love that feeling of the cold, biting rain soaking me to the bone;
As I struggle to keep my fingers from turning lifelessly numb while manoeuvring the bike;
As I let my jaw shake uncontrollably while squinting to see through the pouring rain;
As my body shivers violently to generate the heat it needs to keep me from falling off from severe hypothermia...

Got back at 3 in the morning... And I'm sitting and writing this... Let's see if I'm still capable of going to work 5 hours later... Goodnight...


Feeling : Escapist

Listening : Teri Yaadein Aati hai - Lucky Ali

Another Brick in the Wall

Old hopes are alive at a forsaken door
Left with nothing and still I want more
Changing my heart
Knowing who I am

Sweetheart, bitterheart
now I can't tell them apart
A hope with a tear in his eye
Too scared to own up to one little lie

I think I should have missed you so much.
I can't help but..
they never fail to send me back into the box called happy memories.
they never fail to cause a smile in my heart.

The last day ever.
No procrastination.
No compromises.
Dwindling weeks...

PRESENT
I:
-am trusting
-believe in others
-am a peacemaker
-want to establish goals
-become frustrated easily
-like to finish what i start
-tend to withdraw under pressure
-delegate
-will do things on impulse
-want things precise
-am overloaded with details
-want to move on
-like to spend quality time with others
-think that rules are boring, but I wouldn't challenge rules
-am predictable & consistent
-will do as told, follows leader
-will get the facts, i won't take sides...
-am systematic and logical
-am animated and i laugh out loud.
-want clear directions

BUT
I:
-am not tolerant
-am not sociable
-am not good at encouraging others
-don't stand up to opposition
-am not lively, talkative
-don't manage my time efficiently
-don't over-promise
-am not thrifty
-am not open to changes
-don't openly display feelings
-am not bold, daring
-am not prepared for the future
-am not careful and cautious
-am easily defeated
-am not a leader
-am not optimistic

FUTURE
I will:
-be more tolerant and control my temper
-try to be more of a people's person
-stand up for myself and my viewpoint
-try to manage my time more efficiently(set my priorities right)
-not give up easily
-will plan my spending well, need comes before want
-be braver when facing challenges
-try to cope better under pressure
-plan for my future
-be more careful in my actions, words, and attitude
-think more positively, & not have undue worries
-be more creative :)


I always thought I was the only one (but it doesn't seem the case). Although I gained(and lost), I still think it is the right choice

I never wanted to make things this worse. but you were the one, the one who disallowed room for negotiation. I'm not the little boy anymore. It's time for me to take flight, isn't it? You will not understand my thoughts, just like how you say I will never understand yours.

There is pain inside... A lot of it... Of an intensity that is alarming, even by my standards... Coming from deep within my chest, kicking its way out, and through my ribs, nowhere less...

Pain is a part of growing up... Grown up. Adult. I am 25 years old and the last seven years I have spent feeling undeserving of the title "Grown up", "Adult". I felt like an impostor. I don't anymore.

"Sorry" - The oft-used word, with not-so-oft-meant intentions...

Why do I hear that resounding echo in my ears?? All I did was talk to myself... For a little while...

I lay my partially bare soul out on this page with my thoughts, provocative and plain, and musings of my life around me.

I live in a completely foreign world where familiarity is in want, and all I am left with are memories.

I'm not emo... Just honest.

This is where life finds me. This is where I want you to find me.


Feeling : Unheard

Listening : Carousel - Linkin Park

A Restless Reprise

I have felt pain every time I walked another step forward, yet after having moved even one step back, I've known that regression and giving up were not options for me.

I've felt the emptiness of separation as I've moved in the wrong direction. I've learnt the arts of persistence, tenacity and dedication.

I know how it feels to watch my world and my dreams shatter into a million pieces at my feet. I know what its like to run and run till there is nothing left inside you, and then to run some more.

I know how it feels to be loved and how it feels when feelings grow hard and cold. I know what it is to love and what it feels like to have something, that means so much to me that it becomes me.

I know hope is my last refuge. I know that darkness must exist if only to make those tiny pinpoints of light seem so much brighter. I believe in miracles, I believe in angels, I believe in myself at all times, even when no one else does.

I know how it feels to be lost in a crowd of familiar faces. I know how it feels when for one moment you are the star of the show. I know that waking up each morning is being blessed by the day that lies ahead.

I know that all this has made me ME and through this I'm winning the most important race ever ever, the race I entered at birth, the race I call my Life.


Feeling : Mazed

Listening : Ek Ladki Bheegi Bhaagi Si - Kishore Kumar :)

Laying it out

Well someone left a comment on my post-Parichay frustration vent, both of which you can see here.

Now I'm writing about it here as part of a post, since that person has used an open ID to leave that comment, so if I do reply there, I'm not sure he will get it. So Satya (assuming that is indeed your name), here you go...

I need you to answer these questions first:

1. If Iron Maiden comes to Delhi live in concert, would you ask them to play "Kajra Re" as part of the show? After all Indian audience...
2. If you worked towards a dream for 3 months, and some complete prick comes off the proverbial by-lane and trashes your efforts in 3 seconds, would you sit there with a cheek-to-cheek grin and say "Have a nice day"?
3. If you do not have the courage or the passion it takes to dance, or the calibre it takes to organize an event on the scale of Parichay, would you get up and offer free advice to those who do and expect complete subservience in return?

If you have answered in affirmative to any of the questions above, please send me an X-Ray of your head, because I really do not understand the way your brain works.

If you have answered "NO" to any of the questions please read on else skip the next 16 paragraphs. I'm sure you would have better stuff to do than peruse my ravaging rants.

Speaking for myself, I dance for music and music alone. I listen to songs irrespective of the language. I cannot understand half the English songs and none of the Tamil, Telugu and Malayalam songs that I listen to.

I did not understand a single word of the Tamil song that we performed to. Yet I danced to it and I enjoyed doing it. Because dance does not have a linguistic barrier.

When we were dancing to whichever song of whichever language, the public was enjoying themselves. We did not have a single BOO of boredom from the crowd, even for the slow performances. Then why did some imbeciles raise BB topics with a subject line "Parichay awesome but..."?

Parichay is our dream, our hard work, something for which we sacrificed a lot, to bring it to reality. Put yourself in my place and tell me you wouldn't feel disappointed or angry.

If we had played a Telugu song, lets say a Chiranjeevi number, then people would have objected saying why wasn't a PawanKalyan/AlluArjun/MegaStar/PowerStar/SuperStar/Pornstar song played? What answer would you have had then?

I have danced to Telugu songs earlier and have enjoyed it immensely as well; but I cannot expect everyone in the Parichay team to subscribe to the same school of thought. And no, I will not choose a Telugu song over any other song if I enjoy the latter more.

People did not have the guts to get up and nominate themselves early when Parichay came knocking; then they hide behind a forum like the BB and hurl bricks. This isn't called regionalistic fervour, its called cowardice.

You talk about my acidic response to what some localites said, you very conveniently ignored what those localites said, to very effectively demolish the efforts that 63 Infoscions put into making Parichay what it became.

You talk about my language and tone of response, you very conveniently ignored the caustic retorts some of those people made on the BB when we were gearing up for Parichay.

You talk about my blog, you very conveniently ignored the damage some of those people did, to our reputations, our relationships, our lives on a forum which caters to a much wider audience.

Mouli, Divya and Madhuri had responded to the Parichay posts on the BB, silly mistake agreed, but did that slip merit the public mocking that Parichay faced, before we even had a chance to perform?

This is what was said about these people:
Mouli - "As far as I know, you're also a part of this, how can you not know about what Parichay is"
Divya - "This little girl is dancing too in Parichay, and she does not know about the practice"
Madhuri - Her name was splashed in yellow in the BB and terms like "ignorance from the organizer" were cast about.
What "adequate grounds" would you use to defend this?

These people are my friends and I will stand up for them.

You may find it easy to be magnanimous Satya, I cannot. I'm sure you have seen me in action on the BB, I'm sure you know how maniacally I fight for whatever I choose, on the BB. Ever seen me fighting there for Parichay?

Never fought, because on the BB, I'm infamous and I did not want my bad reputation rubbing off on Parichay. My passion for Parichay overrode my pride.

A racist is a person who shows racial intolerance. If people post on the BB in Hindi, there is a deluge of protests about vernacular secularism and bleh. But amazing how these same people take part so pro-actively in Telugu Samveta. Ever thought about that? Vernacular Secularism goes on vacation then, is it?

Were the actions of the people who caused this retaliation even morally apt? Ask yourself.

As for the gelling part, I stopped caring about trying to please people all the time, quite a while back. Being nice to people is usually taken by them as an invitation to walk all over you.


Feeling : Crucified

Listening To : Dirt off your shoulder + Lying from you - Collision Course

I am my own Nemesis...

...my own Anti-being, the one that I'm constantly trying to run away from. I watch myself run away, watch myself pushing myself to my last shred of efforts, to the farthest reaches of my self-respect, and I watch this with the Devil's sadistic smile.

I watch myself playing my game, I let myself run far enough, I let myself think I'm safe, I let myself think I have finally escaped. And then I yank myself back, I creep upon myself stealthily and I tear myself apart.

Why does a person have to lie? Well some can claim that they did not lie, they just never told the truth. But a lie that is a half-truth is the blackest of all lies. And when you find out, it hits you and it hits you hard.

It happened to me on Friday evening... And to wash it off I took a walk in the pouring rain... That saying applies pretty well here... I love walking in the rain because then no one can see me cry...

Ever tried walking in the rain? Cold, hard-hitting, unforgiving raindrops pelting against you with an immeasurable force, stinging with an intensity that match the battles raging inside your head.

You can cry until you feel you have let everything out with your tears, until there's nothing left inside you, and then you can cry some more. Run until your legs give way and you fall into a dreamless sleep... Never wanting to wake up again...

I ran and I cried... In the rain... With all my might and everything I could muster from within me... And when I couldn't do that anymore, I got on my bike and drove... Rode into the darkness as if that wanderlust could hide me in a cocoon where nothing, not even my mind could get to me... To show me what I could not lose because I did not have it...

They say when Life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade... Unfortunately I just manage to turn them into low-grade explosives...

You meet someone and you feel a promise, a future, a hope of things going right, of things becoming better... and then reality kicks in... hard... Damn hopes, damn dreams, damn crystal balls...

For a second I thought Life, as I knew it, had changed.

A marionette at a fair... I look at my wooden legs... They don't move of their own accord... The puppeteer controls them... Puppeteers come, puppeteers go... And I hold on to the forlorn hopes of a better tomorrow... I don't want the damn tomorrow...

The sorrow runs in the veins... Competing with blood for supremacy... Sedating every cell in the bitter flood... Deja-Vu be damned.

So many things going good with life and instead of looking at the light-end of the shaft, I continue to sit hunched up at rock-bottom that I hit. I continually remind myself that I cannot crib at a choice I made, and yet I find a nice little corner and sit there staring at nothing.

I watch my life flash by... Music pounding away in my ears, unanswered questions pounding away in my head, beginnings of tears in my eyes... I do not let those tears fall and then I remember that I do not always have to be strong... And then I smile as I cry...

The tears fall on my shoe and I watch them stagnate... I see a face there, I see them smile and I smile for them... I smile yet again... I smile at the tear, I smile at my pain... I feel awful and I smile, and I smile because I smiled at feeling awful...

The tears still continue to flow... I bump up the volume on the headphones, to drown out the voices in my head... Music does not give me the escape...

I'm celebrating with much fanfare, the act of forgetting the people I once cared for... Laconically Ironic.

Feeling : Caught in a labyrinth, with a hailstorm on one side and a drought on the other...

Listening : Principles of Lust - Enigma

An Ode...

...to the walking-talking egos that abound in Infy, atleast in my dance team.

Know-it-all Smirks, Smug Expressions
Overflowing confidence, no signs of perfection
The inimitable “I can never be wrong”
Be it work, or play or a random song.

Zilch on experience, nix on talent
No remote indications of commitment
But, oh the pain and the tears, so worthy of a thesaurus
Anxious to form excuses for a conduct so pusillanimous

I dreamt in my life, dreams that stayed with me ever after
Dreams that are being sacrificed at a false pride’s stinking altar
Having levelled my palace, don’t erect a hovel for me
Don’t bask in the complacent admiration of your pointless charity

My ideas have changed, like wine through water
Altered in colour, purity and texture
Having the last word, is not always winning
Why say something just for the sake of saying something?

Apologies for the big words and flowery language
Didn’t intend to be sesquipedalian, not in this age!
But, alas, some people don’t understand subtle sarcasm
Maybe open jibes (like this one) will span the chasm

No, I'm not Suicidal

Sitting here at the end of a long, eventful life, sets me to contemplation. Love is a complex emotion riddled with affection, guilt, jealousy and, at times, unbridled lust.

But the darker side of Love comes out when it's affronted, or poisoned... It scares me... The deeper one loves, the greater is one's potential to hate... I don't want that to happen to me.... I am capable of a lot of love, of hate, of pain... Its not that we hated each other, but then why did we both come to this juncture?

There is something that I have lost. A part of me that yearned to be touched. A void inside that needed to be filled. Maybe being alone is getting to me. Maybe I have been walking a vicious circle over and over inside my head.

Imagination is such a heartless thing. It makes memories mutate into dreams and brings a world of (welcome) pain, like an incessant plague. But then again this curse can inexplicably turn into your greatest virtue.

We all have our individual paths in life. I had a life to lead, I had a choice to follow. My choices led me to my undoing and my grief, but in the end, it is still my own wilful choice, not a coercion.

A life dying in front of my eyes... And I'm powerless to do something about it...


Feeling : GAH!

Listening : Keep on Moving - Tokyo Drift

As I walk the Green Mile

Ablaze deep inside, an overpowering fervour
The vortex draws me in, I hold on in sheer terror
A mouthful of the sky, we ask of the heavens
Even as our lives lie in sixes and sevens

Knocking at a window, a ray of light seems to leak
A shred of hope for the strong and the meek
The leaves rustle and as my knees go weak,
I hear in the distance, a Father-daughter playing Hide-and-seek

A calling to trust my life and commit to His Way
I fought the good (?) fight and held on to my Faith
Its easy to be blind, to close my eyes and shut out my truth
Liberty, a price I pay for Vigilance; I can’t have them both

I witnessed despair, I witnessed despondence
I witnessed guilt in every sense
I witnessed slander, I witnessed sin
I witnessed my patience wearing thin

Footprints on the sand; before me, behind me
Innumerable roads, an endless destiny
Facets to friendships, a fear of persecution
A void so barren, a vacuum cannot be such perfection

Walking in circles, looking for my Answer
None to be found, the Questions just run farther
An end I need, as the snakes coil tighter around my neck
I stand in the shadows, keeping a cracked heart in check

A faceless hand on my shoulder, hold me so tight
My angels left me, thinking I’d be alright
Vision blurred, sorrow cloud my eyes, cold clammy skin
Smoke beyond my horizon, love and hate akin

I can say I’m not lost in the fog
I can say I will find my way out of this bog
I can say I have retrieved my solace
But all I say is that I need you to clear this haze

This is my Life, I don’t have to be perfect.
The mistakes I made, they were all worth it.
Scars, that have burnt their way into my soul’s bedlam,
Scare others so that they cannot see how scared I am.

V for Victory? Also Victimised!

Handed over Angel's relieving letter to her yesterday. Was bestowed with a Nutella for my efforts :D Its chocolate for breakfast next 2 days atleast! The jar won't last beyond that period :P
Victimised is what I have been feeling like, the whole of yesterday... Work's being heaped by shovelfuls plus there is always the dance part to be worked out!

I am gradually approaching a milestone in my life where my work comes first... No longer diverted by other emotions, I work the way a cow grazes. Be it the technical stuff or something like Parichay, its just endless waves of work... I'm starting to lose track of time...

There are frequent moments in life when you feel inundated with a deep, sincere overflowing sense of gratitude to the One sitting up there somewhere...
Like when I am sitting at the window on a cold wintry morning and the Sun suddenly decides to shine through...
Like when I'm lolling around on the terrace in the middle of the afternoon and the heavens decide to pour...
Like when I wake up late on a weekend and find a blue overcast sky with moving clouds outside...
Like Tang-on-the-rocks on a cool breezy evening, sitting in the verandah, with feet propped up on the railing...
Like a phone call or ping from a long lost friend, especially when you are feeling lost...
Like playing a prank on Jay, and almost having her fall for it!
Like the way you feel, when someone tells you they miss you...
Like the truth in your voice, when you realise you miss them too and you tell them so...
Like having a special someone fall asleep on your shoulders, at just the right spot, during a long train journey...
Like watching her wake up because of a train jolt, and then blushing under your gaze...
Like a kiss being placed at the spot between your left cheek hollow and your mouth, once she's done blushing...
Like a first kiss, under a sky swept clean of clouds and awash with stars, as the train sped across open fields...
Like a good hot meal of mom-made daal and roti...
Like piping hot tandoori chicken...
Like listening to Yeh Haseen Vadiyan from Roja...
Like watching The Lion King for the gazillionth time......
Like a laughing newborn...
Like a stupid joke...
Like a flowing river or a restless sea...
Like the current wallpaper on my laptop (Angel and me)...
Like a nice memory...
Like a rainbow...

I'm waiting to see a rainbow... Its been raining intermittently here past few days, and I have been having this weird intuition telling me that if I see a rainbow, my chaotic life will fall into place... Every single bit... No I'm not superstitious, but I'm not able to get rid of this strong feeling somehow... Its just taken hold of something inside...

Why is a peaceful co-existence so important?? Is it impossible for every person to exist in his own harmony?? Is the universe so vast that we need others to make it to the other end??

Are we that alone??

Am I that alone??


Mood : Haunted to be Wanted

Music : Yeh Haseen Vadiyan - Roja

Dog-Tired

What a yesterday.... Now I know what a juggler goes through... Except that I juggle with chainsaws instead of plastic balls!

4.03 AM - Wake up

5.03 AM - Yesterday's post

6.03 AM - Walk down to the bike and then decide to skip gym and head back to the warm bed upstairs :)

7.03 AM - ZZZZZ!

8.03 AM - Huh... What... Office... Shit!

9.03 AM - Gulping down smoked Maggi!

10.03 AM - Running around to get a call booked for a new request...

11.03 AM - Sitting in the call yawning my head off...

12.03 AM - Trying to explain to onsite why I still haven't been able to finish an enhancement given to me more than a month ago :(

1.03 PM - A long walk to Subway, while trying to decide the sequence flow and song duration for Parichay

2.03 PM - Taking an Endevor session for the new resource who would soon be going onsite...

3.03 PM - Attempting to explain to my SPM why I did not attend a session I was supposed to, while trying to avoid his burning glare!

4.03 PM - Convincing people to stick to the songs they have been allocated, instead of whining endlessly.

5.03 PM - Running to and fro with the phone stuck to my ear, trying to get Angel's relieving letter!

6.03 PM - Angel's letter in my hand, or rather stuck to my shoe soles, while headed to practice!!

7.03 PM - Choreographing Khallas with Ruchi's help

8.03 PM - Having Udatta come in and change all the steps!

9.03 PM - Coming back to desk, sending a mail onsite, giving status updates, scarpering for the day...

10.03 PM - Reaching home...

11.03 PM - #&#^Woozy$%

Life is very dithery right now... Probably gonna stay this way for the next 2 months... Damn...

Angel's officially outta Infy now... She can join the other place and have the unemployed tag removed from her head! But I still have your letter Angel... MUHAHAHA ***evil laugh***!! Nutella will not suffice now!! And the only time I'm available is at 4 in the morning, so wake up then and gimme a call :P

No mood to go to the gym now... Lets see how I feel an hour later... Ciao... Have a great day!


Feeling : Lax

Listening : Nobody Like You - Mission Istaanbul

In Memoriam

Prabhakar, the colleague of mine who met with an accident 3 weeks ago, was transferred from ICU to the general ward on Friday. He was only on dialysis as his kidneys were still not functioning, but otherwise was said to be recovering. On Saturday, he developed internal infections on his exposed wounds and succumbed to his injuries at 4 in the evening. A sad day for his family.

I know I have been very blunt in writing about his death. Although somehow I would have preferred death over the life that survival would have offered me. I would have lost all will to live with a quarter of my body missing.

All I can do is keep him in my prayers and intercede for his soul.

Angel's having to do a lot of running now, because she still hasn't got all her clearances from Infy. I don't understand the stupid policies. For eg, you have to take a no-due clearance from the libraries of ALL DCs even if you have never been to any of them locations. WTF!

Hopefully things will work out in her favour soon. Fingers crossed, elbows twisted!

Bucketloads of work at office yesterday, plus the moral responsibilty of attending Parichay practice, damn life's running on single battery, double power... I'd love a vacation right about now.

As a youngster, I remember my mom always telling me not to waste food, water, electricity etc. Money especially... No going to school and spending 10 bucks on an egg-roll just because I felt like it. No my folks weren't stingy, but Saving was a way of life and sometimes it drove me crazy. I wanted to be wasteful, to splurge. To my fascinated mind, waste meant affluence and I wanted to indulge in it. I wanted to throw away things, knowing that there would always be more.

Maturity comes at a point when you learn, painfully, that sometimes there just isn't anymore. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it, it's best we love it... And care for it... And fix it when it's broken... And heal it when it's sick.

This is true: For relationships... And old cars... And children with bad report cards... Dogs and cats with bad hips... And aging parents... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep, like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special... And so, we keep them close! Atleast I try...

Once I set people as my priority, it destroyed half my life. I kept them away, they called me a loner. Now I try to make friends, they sense trouble. I've had enough. I will again set people as my priority and they will destroy me fully. All will end.

Scarface, I don't believe I have ever said anything to indicate that I do not want you involved in my life. But I cannot make efforts forever. I played my part, I'm done with my struggles.


Feeling: Lost

Listening: Khuda Jaane - Bachna Ae Haseenon

Pages from a Pervasive Past

Sometimes a person can be pushed so far that they reach a point beyond fear; be it fear of persecution, fear of ridicule, fear of isolation or a fear of conscience. A point, a place where you find a strange peace, where you free yourself to do the right thing... Because sometimes, that's just about the hardest thing to do.

Its a question that used to nag me, gnaw at my insides a long long time ago. If I am desperately trying to hold on to something, and then comes along a call to do the right thing, would I be able to open my hand, release it and let it go? Would I be able to indulge in that particular act of personal downsizing? Will I be able to rid myself of the unnecessary things that continue to bind me to my past?

Downsizing is about pinching, restricting, cutting back while keeping yesterday's dreams alive. Divesting is about freedom, expression and dreaming new dreams. Sometimes can't have one without the other... And then the sense of freedom we experience is so much warped. Is that truly being happy?

Its like having a secret identity when you are not really doing something to merit the need of the same. But yes, once in a while you do need the space, just to be able to breath and feel some proximity to all that you have lost.

When you are scuba-diving in deep water, you are totally encircled by light, because the water tends to diffuse whatever little light you have. You're also weightless so there is no sense of gravity, hence you have absolutely no clue which way to go, to get out of the water.

Surrounded in that aura of light and weightlessness, its easy to get disoriented and lose your sense of direction. Like I wrote earlier, all we have to do is follow our bubbles because that damn thing is always right, whatever our limited sense of perception says.

The philosophy "If it feels good, it must be right" is false and hence dangerous. Our feelings can play all sorts of tricks on us. Its important not to be denying or repressing our feelings, because we can trust them. What we cannot trust is our interpretation of them.

Sometimes I feel Life moves on before We do...

No I do not know where all the above stemmed from! I guess I was just being true to my...hehe...true self! No wonder the title doesn't make sense when I read the post.

Anyway time to hit the gym! Just had 7 hours of consciousness on Sunday, so nothing much to write about the 1-day long weekend. Monday Morning blues have started to creep in already.

And before I sign off, breaking news... Many folks who did not read my older posts until much later tell me they wanted to leave comments but did not do so, because the post was so old. Comments are like compliments people, be they nice, indifferent or nasty! So if you wanna laud my effort, or curse me, feel free to comment. When or how much later you choose to do it, does not make a difference!

Have a great day folks!


Feel Like: YAWN!

Playlist: Mea Kulpa - Enigma

No More Sorrow

Well I was thinking about stuff I shouldn't have been thinking about, but that's what I do best anyway! And that was the story behind the title used... Don't want to expostulate on that, so there! Yeah my histrionics can drive you up the wall!

I used to blog on a daily basis when I started out, and now I just don't find the time... I wish I could say managing my 3 highly violent and Mithun "Hoye Saala" Chakraborty-influenced kids leaves me with no time to blog, but due to lack of appropriate people and opportunity, sorry to say, I have no kids... YET :P

I managed to finish reading Chetan Bhagat's latest venture "3 mistakes of my life". Read it primarily because of its 2-digit price tag! :P Naah, I'm too stingy to even purchase it, got it thanks to KTM at work... Well its a decent offering, though it doesn't have the glamour quotient that his second book was so liberal with, and there were traces of the same in his first book too... This one is much darker somehow... My favourite is still "One Night at a Call Centre" though....

Still pretty depressed about something that happened in office yesterday... Damn!! I blew 2 golden chances.... If only I had known before... Damn damn and double damn...

However hard I try, I cannot make Time stop.... I cannot grab Time by its collar and shake it senseless to make it sit down for a while to clear its head. An instance will make you feel, however it makes you feel, only for an instance. It will then leave you and depart forever, never to come back. It could be a happy instance, which brought a smile to you, before continuing on its way; it could be a tense nail-biting instance, which made its presence felt, a tad too tangibly, before taking off into oblivion; it might have been a really hard instance, going perceptibly slower than the average instance. But none of them stay.... And every instance is unique. No instance can take the place of another instance. Its just the way they make you feel and that cannot be replicated. You feel what you feel with an instance. And then that feeling leaves you too. The image might be burned into your memory for a while. But it leaves you too. Like everything else. Like everyone else. Nothing stays forever.
Atleast not with me...

When I'm spectacularly pissed about something, I wish something inside me would implode into a gazillion pieces. But my anatomy does not permit that! Its like when nothing is happening the way you want it to, even when you are ardently putting barge-loads of efforts into wishing it to happen... I can only wish because I don't hold the reins to making it happen.
Sometimes I wish I was a raving alcoholic. I wish I just had that urge to get sloshed beyond my limited senses. I wish that urge was strong enough to dismiss the thought of office next day from my mind, go out and get a couple of quarters (or whatever its called) of Rum, maybe a tandoori chicken too, and sit there and let the liquid burn its way down my gullet.

When I write stuff like this, is when I start wondering, "Am I too addicted to myself?". Yeah I probably am... But then I have to spend a lifetime with myself... Myself is the one thing that will always be by my side.

I need something to take my mind off myself... That's why the fascination with alcohol... No I'm not gonna start drinking! But I still need something to take my mind off... Something other than the Chopin/Bach music playing over my headphones... Something other than the grin trying to fight its way to my lips when my brow's all furrowed... Something other than this inner voice that keeps saying "This too shall pass"... Really not in the mood for proverbs...

As if there isn't enough confusion in life already, all the uncertainty has to add to the prevailing mess!

I don't understand the internal clockwork of the minds of some people. They call you a friend and treat you like a log of deadwood. No I cannot expect them to stick to me like a glob of industrial adhesive, but once in a while, would feel good to know that I'm still hold a place, however insignificant, in the remotest corners of their busy lives... OK, well, maybe a little more significant. Damn, I don't wanna whine about this now, have had enough of the whining...

I think I need to consume buckets of testosterone ASAP! No offence intended ladies, just kidding!

Somehow I miss Dad today... Strange how I call them Pappa and Mummy at home and when I refer to them in third person, it becomes Dad and Mom... Ok ok, chivalry kicked in, Mom and Dad... Happy?

Dad, though I never have and probably never will tell him, I think is the greatest guy I have ever known. In my eyes, he's right up there, somewhere just next to God... Mom too, just the greatest woman I have ever known :)... Damn I miss both of them now...

Where are the damn testosterone vats?


Mood : People say I'm a living disaster... Must say I agree!

Music : Lemon Tree - Fool's Garden

Raindrops of my Thirst

I'm not a good man. If someone calls me a nice guy, that person is in need of a thorazine drip.

I'm not some patriot who would walk down the green mile exulting at the prospect of becoming a celebrated martyr. I do the work I do, not in answer to a higher calling, but for the dough it brings in.

25 years may not be much from the perspective of someone sitting on the outer fringes of the cosmos, or even a figure with mind-blowing potential on the number system, but it means a lot to someone who has lived them from a frigid, overcast day in the winter of 1982 to a day when people, both big and small, look up to me.

But it's not worth much if you can't face yourself in the mirror. A man sold his soul for a selfish perverted cause. And then he tried to wash away his guilt. Tried to drown it in a lifetime of good deeds and a sea of respectability. It almost worked, too. But inevitably, the further you run from your sins, the more exhausted you are when they catch up to you. And they do. Certain. It will not fail.

They say when someone dies in the throes of a powerful rage, a curse is born. One that is capable of consuming others in its fury... Even after death... And I want Death on a bright Sunday afternoon... When there is not a cloud in the sky... Eyes closed, arms open and a heart at peace...

We love someone, we miss someone and we reach out to them... But so many times, we reach out solely because we fear being alone, we fear dying alone... Life is not so much of a FairyTale, is it?

Whenever I have done something, I have spent days agonizing over whether I should be doing it... And a part of me always knew that if I did not do it, I would regret not doing it... And I did not want to have regrets... That was one burden I did not want on my conscience...

All I wanna do is close my eyes and let my tears take me home.


Mood: Dreamy

Music: But it Rained - Parikrama

Mayday Mutterings!

"Mayday Mayday!! Sujanya is taking me shopping today!!"
Yeah that was pretty much my heart-rending protesting plea, which as always fell on her deaf ears!
And before she embarks on the hunt for a thermo-nuclear warhead to drop on my head, let me also come clean! She did not force me!! Hehe!! Just an attempt to beat her at her very own drama game! :P
Anyway, 1st May (Office holiday, atleast in India), we went out for a bit... She needed some stuff and well I was jobless, as always... :D
Well, after an extensive (excruciating?) round of City Center, and then we went to Lifestyle... Now all this was in the middle of a really hot afternoon, and Sujanya felt like a beer, so we turned TDS into our first stop... For the uninitiated, TDS is "10 Downing Street"... A pretty hip hangout for pub-lovers...
Now I'm sure you are familiar with flashbacks in reel life, so jump into one of these real-life ones:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Waiter (Note: I do not know if there is some other term for the people who go around serving drinks in a pub, so I'm sticking to my restaurant-oriented-academic lingo) brings the food menu]

Sujanya: Could we have the drinks menu please?

[Waiter gets the menu... I take a look, make my choice, hand it over to Sujanya, she declines. Now the maitre'd comes to take our order]

Sujanya: A pint of beer and a fresh lime soda please?

Maitre'd: Will that be all?

Sujanya: Yes

[He leaves... Few minutes later, the waiter brings the stuff and places a...err...bottle-green bottle with a label that clearly states Kingfisher, square in front of me]

Me: Errrrr... That's her order, the Soda's is mine...

[A big pasty smirk on the waiter's face, while Sujanya is unable to hold back the idiotic grin...]
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FLASHBACK ENDS. THIS IS NOW!

I do not drink, I do not drink, I do not drink. To be read in the head-turning-thrice, ear-popping-background-sound, EktaKapoor-soap-like manner.

Yes, the penultimate wonder of the world, a 25-yr old boy who DOES NOT drink!

Fine, the last line was the outcome of a frustrated-with-that-bollywood-dhamaka-reaction guy's umpteenth instance of irritation, but, yes, I am a specimen of that rare species of youngsters who do not feel the need to down a vile fluid to feel good about my shit-hole of a life or to celebrate a diamond-studded-piercing on the remotest corners of my butt! I am normal ( I think...) in every other way. I do not wear a pink shirt, I do not use lipstick, kajal, mascara, eyeliner, rouge or any of those numerous face-paints. I have a manly voice (again, I think...!) and, well I shaved yesterday but still, I do have facial hair.

It was a similar scenario at a friend's wedding at Nainital in February. People are drinking left, right and centre. Some were guzzling down shots at such an alarming rate, I believe they would have stuck tubes from the keg in all the other..uhhh...inlets in their torso, if it was biologically-feasible to swallow through them! And all the time, folks around are telling me to join them and not be a spoilsport...

I am curious about this now... Why am I a spoilsport, a sissy, a Mama's boy just because I choose to demonstrate my ample, unending love for my liver? I am not exactly walking around with a "Say NO to drinking" placard around my neck, I am not preaching about the ills of drinking or about how it makes men beat their wives and drive cars off bridges. I don't drink because I don't see any sense in it, plus I love being in control of my own (questionable?) senses.

I have known friends all through school and college and even in Infy who booze like every day in the rest of their lifetime has been declared a dry day. One guy used to get drunk, get on the table, rip off his shirt, and dance vigorously to every C-grade song ever made, until noon of the following day. Another used to get high and smash his bottle on the floor and let loose a tirade against each of his ex-girlfriends or just friends or crushes, usually starting with "Wo saali..." and then continuing in a language that is alien to my underdeveloped vocabulary of expletives. In Mysore, one guy felt romantically inclined after knocking down some 4 Patiala pegs of Teacher's and made his way to the girls block to confess his love for a particular lady. She almost pushed him off the fourth floor and called in security. Sounds fun yeah, but not if you are the drunk one.

Another friend says that moderate drinking is good for health. You want health, then eat less of those dripping-with-butter dosas, run like a horse-on-caffeine in the morning and do not chase girls. You will definitely live longer. Yet another says its to stay cool. You want cool, I'll turn up the AC, I'll put ice-packs on your head, I'll put you in the refrigerator.

Devdas said drinking helps drown life's sorrows. Dear Dev (putting an arm around his shoulder), we need a light, clean heart to drown them, not a liver soaked in alcohol... You lost your K...K...Kiran, I mean, Paro, and I lost mine. You did not own your Paro and I did not own mine. We came in alone and we will go out alone. We both have learnt that attachments cause misery. But Life still moves on. The sun rises, the bulb in my bathroom works, the BB still hangs up because of ridiculous arguments, my landlord still continues to pester me for more rent, my lead still feigns an astonished expression when I attempt to leave work at 7.30 after having worked for 10 straight hours, Alex still continues to be outrageously corny, Shilpi still continues to curse me for not eating properly, Sujanya still calls me an asshole for absolutely no reason, BlackPearl still mocks my cowardice for not being able to strike up a conversation with CuteFemale, my old friends still hate me for speaking my mind.

But I may have missed something. There may be something great hidden within that bottle. A lot of people drink and feel good about it. My friends drink, most guys at Infy drink, my uncle who spent 11 weeks in the hospital with a liver problem due to drinking drinks, a lot of girls I know drink and Devdas drank. Maybe something is there. Maybe its that people enjoyed puking in Nainital, after having overloaded their capacity for alcohol. Maybe its that my bed-ridden uncle enjoys being in the hospital surrounded my matronly nurses, where he is now because of a bloated liver. Maybe Devdas was just a habitual drunkard who went around saying:
babuji ne kahaa gaon chhod do,
sabne kahaa paro ko chhod do,
paro ne kahaa sharaab chhod do,
aaj tumne keh dia, haweli chhod do,
ek din aayega jab wo kahenge, duniya hi chhod do...

Whatever happened to the damn shopping spree??? SORRY! Anyway, ladies wear section of Lifestyle, I think Sujanya probably lost her mind! She rejected some perfectly good outfits outright! Females ! Me, I was feeling like a baby monkey who had just been air-dropped into an subatomic particle physics laboratory! No pretty female monkeys around either... DAMN!

Shaving off a 2.5-month beard causes half the people on the floor to refuse to recognize me... Double Damn!


Mood: Purrrr!

Music: Phir haath mein sharab hai - Pankaj Udhas (talk about bleddy coincidence!)

I...

I knew I needed a break from the hothead I'm turning into, the moment I got up in the morning and read my previous post... The raving lunacy in that makes Mike Tyson looks like a messenger of peace, with olive leaves in his hands and white doves perched on his shoulders...

Think a vacation to Mauritius with an armful of blondes is called for...

Am I assertive? With all the pent-up rage in me, yes, but then coupled with unbridled aggression, I tend to rattle people, the way a rattlesnake in your soup would rattle you. I care for some people, like I always did, would jump off a cliff for them if I had to, but the histrionics that they come up with drive me to the edge of something remotely resembling sanity...

Am I juvenile? I can hear the distant voices from the heavens proclaiming a vehement "YES"... I shake my fists in the skyward direction, but I won't say I disagree...

What happened to the guy who used to be so shy, the pillar in the corner used to speak louder than him...?
What happened to the bloke who used to exist in his own melodious harmony even as crap used to rain around him?
What happened to the teenager who used to react with a quiet (wimpy?) "How rude is that!" to an obscenity?
What happened to the chap who used to agonize over his grades and laugh maniacally at a friend's melodramatic misery??
Why does NOW make me wish for THEN?
Why I do put myself through this?
Why do I allow others to hurt me?
Why do I allow myself to get hurt?
Why am I so keen on selling my soul to the devil?
Why do I have this crazy self-pity bug in my blood?
Why do I wake up every morning wanting to make it to the end of the day, without having found out something someone said about me behind my back?
Why do I feel that friendship, loyalty, trust, commitment is something best steered clear of...?
Why am I so scared of the light that reveals the stark reality?
Why does this reality hurt so much that I just want to close my eyes, never to open them again...?
Why am I trying to hold on to the frayed strings that I myself severed ages ago?
Why am I so scared of going back to lying in someone's arms?
Why is it so fucking difficult to forget someone who did not deserve my tears, much less, anything else from me?

What the fuck is it with me and my moronic morose morosis?? 2 posts in a space of 9 hours....

I'm scrapping the Mauritius plan... Have had too much of blondes already, you see!


Mood: Damn, Damn and Double Damn

Listening to: Tera Muskarana - Jhankar Beats!

Whistling the blues away

Back in office after a 4-day hiatus... Good to touch the green, green grass of home... Can't believe I missed my workplace! Hehe! Well I guess, if one spends 4 days hungry at home because one is too lazy to get up, go out and eat, one would miss the place where all they do is smash one's head against the nearest wall with a window-pane-shattering frequency!

My cousin is stirring up trouble for me... Technically, he's my uncle, since he's my mom's cousin, but he's younger than me so I call him cousin! Anyway, he says with my XAT score I can easily get into XIMB, regardless of my XLRI fiasco, and keeps telling mom to try for the same... Denny asshole!!! Mom, on the other hand, is always after me to start studying for next year's exam...

To all the nerds out there, please tell me what drives you to study for an exam, any exam... Sure, getting into XLRI will cause my popularity levels to sky-rocket, but to what end... People who hate me, will continue to hate me, and people who love me, will continue to love me too... If I secure a seat there, people who never wished me well will simply loathe me out of jealousy, and if I perform as well as Salman Khan at a driving test, they will continue to ridicule me... I don't have to prove nothing to myself, because I have had enough of the exams I have already struggled through... Damn, I will study, damn!

Me and a friend were squabbling on the office communicator today... He asked me a relatively harmless question: why I don't post on Infy Blogs, and the scope of the arguments turned to verbal-ability-trashing! He was ridiculing my church-sermon-length posts and I was poking fun at the corny outpourings of his dyslexia! I finally told him to shove his "this" up his "that"! He got what I meant, and I'm sure you did too!! Anyway, I punished him by barraging his mailbox... He hates getting mails and his favourite punchline happens to be "Die Outlook, Die"! Its why I chose that particular path of retribution!

Alex can sure be cynical if he wants!! Sometimes a tad too sarcastic for comfort...

Anyway, yesterday at the hospital, they brought in a kid for a tetanus shot... The lil guy was bawling at the top of his lungs, protesting to an injection... His cries went unheeded though, as his shorts were pulled down and an injection pumped in! I have faced my fair share of injections too as a kid... Having a nurse for a mom has sure put me through a lot of those... I used to wish I could grow up fast enough to stop people from pulling down my shorts whenever they felt like it...

Life as a kid has its bitter moments... But it also has too many pluses to make up for all that... As a kid, one does not have any forlorn memories or any worries about the upcoming future... Life is a closed treasure chest with infinite possibilities... Thinking about your future is only restricted to deciding which comic to read after finishing with the current one, or figuring out whether to play hide-and-seek or cricket with the neighbourhood kids!

Life to me right now is like watching "Gone in 60 seconds" for the 427th time... As much as I still enjoy the thrill, I just know what is coming next... A part of me is not even interested in what is coming next... That sense of wonder is long gone... Grown ups do tend to adopt that resigned attitude to Life... Victory/defeat become trivial and Life metamorphoses into a prime time slot between birth and death...

Even boyish acts like squabbling with friends over the communicator seem...well...boyish!! My phone rings and I pick up knowing very well who is calling, and the person keeps the phone at the other end; seems boyish... I know who is calling because she is the only one who has that number...

I need to find that kid in me... I need life to throw something at me, without me knowing what it is... A rose, a rock or a rotten tomato, I don't care... As long as I don't know...


Current Mood: Ho-Hum

Jukebox: Dheere Dheere - Shaurya

Emotional Potpourri

Damn blogger blocked in office again... Crap! I don't understand the thought process of the CCD or whoever is responsible for this blocking shit. I mean, they block all web-based email sites (gmail, rediffmail etc), orkut (a community site) and blogger, but they don't block ICICIDirect. Hell, my roommates, half the folks in CCD, three-quarters of SEs and ALL DMs/GPMs/SPMsPMs/PAs in Infy are sitting on that site for 26 out of 24 hours. So basically blogging and external email is un-productive, while ICICI Direct is not??? Yeah right...

Dad had the operation done today. The blood sugar level is fine. He's blind till tomorrow morning now. Once they remove the dressing, he's still supposed to be staying away from reading or anything of that sort for a couple of months.

My roommate Ralph has this uncanny habit of sleeping in a sitting position. I mean, I see him going to sleep, lying down on the bed. But middle of the night, I am usually woken up because of my wheezing problem, I see him sitting on one corner of the bed, his head drooping on his chest, drooling into a puddle of saliva all over his vest... Trust me, waking up at an unearthly hour and being greeted by this scenario is not exactly comforting!

I doze off sitting too, but that usually happens when I'm working, or when I'm listening to one of Mummy's tirades on my perfect eating habits or endless lectures on the importance of church, and why we should attend church regularly etc etc.

No I'm not an atheist. But in my eyes, the church is nothing but a weekly meeting place of hypocrites who have nothing better to do with their Sundays. I think "Angels and Demons" put this forward pretty aptly as "a bunch of old farts getting together under a chief old fart"... These were not the exact words, but well, something to that effect!

I did enjoy going to the chapel, back in school, though... A quiet, serene place, devoid of noise, where I can sit, at peace, and talk to myself! Yeah, I love talking to myself too... I do it all the time too, much to the consternation of my roomies! Ralph still gets startled when I do that! You are at the hospital, your wife is in labour, the doctor comes out and declares "TWINS", you shake his hand and run inside, you see the kids, one negro and the other Chinese, imagine the expression on your face. Ralph usually has the exact same one when I set off on the irrelevant-talking-to-myself tangent... PRICELESS!

Looking back at the past few months of my life, seems relations (of all kinds) never work for me... Maybe not just past months, this has just always been my story... Relations usually turn into a bottomless cistern of attachment, heartburn and misery in the long run, atleast for me. Constant fights, arguments, ego-clashes are making me turn away from people, I truly care for, and causing me to recede more and more into myself... Loneliness is one serene yet empty feeling... The problem is when you care for people, excessive attachment causes pain to everyone involved and, most of all, to me... Clinging to the people I care for scares the shit out of me... Maybe because I fear losing it... Some people spend their lives searching for what they want. Some people spend their lives searching for what it is that they want. I just sincerely want to live each day; don't even want to search because I feel I just do not want anything...

People say I shouldn't live each day so scared of my past... They say I'll never change what's been and gone


Never change what's been and gone
My destiny wil keep me warm
The stars in my eyes are fading away
Maybe I will see them again someday

Need to take a look at the world around and about
Instead of crying my heart out
Need to take a moment to smell the Wild, Wild Rose
Instead of halting on the paths that I chose



Current Mood: Introspective

Jukebox: This is how you remind me - Nickelback

Expectations -> Zilch

Friday's over, another long weekend over and, come Tuesday, I am back to my work-a-phobic lifestyle!

Had to drive to Nampally to drop off Ralph on Friday evening... That traffic sure takes a toll on my "blessed" lungs!

Couple of folks have come over to see my place, but we still haven't found a new roomie... Could be because of the prevailing cleanliness!!
I bought these. Simply love them... Super-comfortable!! Wish i could have spent the entire weekend plonked on them... Had to trouble Ralph a bit to get them home after the purchase, though!
Long weekend was good, primarily because I practically slept through all of it! Lets not talk about where, though! Sleep is the best way to spend a holiday... Woke up once in a while to catch a movie on TV, or Roadies, or a random episode of Friends on my system!
Long, hard argument with a close friend today (I do seem to run into these...) Came to a mutual decision to stay out of each others lives... I told her that I will miss her... She said she already was... I couldn't find it in me to reply to that on mail... Scarface: here's my reply to your "I already am"


Then come into my arms like a river to the sea,
Make me smile and smile for me
Kiss my blues away, forgive me
Come into my arms like a river to the sea

The compilation is mine, the lines and analogies are not, except for the 3rd one... Will miss you...

I have to get some bloody coaching classes on getting rid of the expectations in my life... I expect people not to offend me and end up offending others... I expect people to be nice to me and end up either being horrid to others, or being walked all over on.... I need to expect to find some comfortable railway tracks to lie down on... That's what the title is about too... Expectations tend to Zero... Remember 10th standard Limits lessons?

Dad and Mom are on their way to Chennai right now... Dad's cataract operation. I'm gonna pray for him, please keep him in your prayers too.... His cataract thing is in a bad state... He has major trouble riding that dilapidated scooter of ours in the night... Couldn't have gotten this operation done earlier because of high blood sugar... Sugar level is around 187 now... That's an awesome improvement from the 400-something figure of earlier...

I forgot about Monday being Vishu... I remembered only when I saw the leave calendar in office today! And I am a Mallu... Sheesh!
Most Important news snippet: CUTE FEMALE IS BACK!!! Sheer bliss to have seen her in office today! Although bad news is tongue-freeze problem has started again!

BruCoffee in office sucks... So does Choco-Almond and LemonTea... Even though its free... And I'm too lazy to go to CoffeeDay in the campus... God bless my lethargy!



Current Mood: Apologetic

Current Music: Ain't Nobody - Raghav

Musings on an Idle Monday...

I need to stop getting insanely jealous over matters that devious twists of fate wave before my face...I need to get a grip on my tongue, before I perfect the exemplary skill of getting my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth...I need to learn the art of staying away from certain sticky situations rather than open the proverbial Pandora's chest and then curse what comes out, instead of my own stupidity... Damn, damn and double damn...

I know that entire shopping list of "I need"s does not make any sense to you... I couldn't make much head or tail of it either... Lets just ignore that... I needed (not again...) to get it out of my system and I just did...

The next door neighbour has a cute kid... First saw it (I don't know the gender, hence the use of "it") when he asked my roommate to sign some passport related forms for the baby... Seeing the kid brought back one particular memory of meeting an aunt I had not seen in a long time...

Now, FYI, I used to suffer from the bed-wetting syndrome, way beyond the normal age-line where children learn to take a troubled bladder to the bathroom... Till the age of about 12, I never used to bother my legs with my nocturnal urinal trouble, and the bedsheets used to be blessed with my....uhhh...mineral water! Please don't blackmail me with that... My brother already does...

Now this aunty I meet, she ruffles my hair and says to me, in Malayalam, the cursory "How big you have grown? Last I remember, you still used to wet your bed in 7th standard..." EEEEP... How can you be nitwitted enough to say this to a 24-yr old male in public???? Well to get back at you aunty, you have not shrunk since I last saw you, and when you were a kid, I'm sure you never made your water at the Times Square... A lame retort, I know, but couldn't do any better...

I think the best way to live your life is to not have any ambitions... I can already here vague protesting noises like "Loser","Doesn't have a purpose in life",etc etc... I do have a purpose in my life... My purpose is to spend my life with Salma Hayek on my left arm and Cindy Crawford on my right... Also, I want to be capable of swapping them with Sharon Stone and Monica Bellucci periodically... Too ambitious??


Mood: Dreamy

Music: You are beautiful - James Blunt

Life and its Convivial Conundrums

Sunday = Funday??? Well, I cleaned the house today, aided by Wilson, so maybe not! But then again, I also found some of my old underwear, that I had put up a MISSING notice in the newspaper for, so I guess good too... But then they were in a lil...err...dilapidated condition...so I had to throw them out! Wrong news to start with, so more on that...uhh...later maybe!
I heard about this friend of mine today, who used to be a batchmate during Infy training in Mysore... He used to be crazy about this particular girl in our batch... Now we all have had our share of crushes/infatuations etc, so I have tried not to be judgemental about the certain extreme measures he has employed to win her over...
During training, well he used to stick to her all the time, even when in different classes... Teflon doesn't stick to the frying pan that well! I guess he tried the be-the-girl's-best-friend tack... This female didn't give a rat's ass about the guy and his feelings... She did what each one of us called use-and-throw...
After training, the bloke gets posted to Bangalore and the girl had to haul her bedding to Trivandrum... Our guy probably got the season pass to Trivandrum or something, he started weekly trips to the place, once even took a week's leave to spend "quality" time with the female... WTF... He even went down on his knees in front of her, in the Trivandrum DC foodcourt...
Fast forward to the present, the female's now engaged and is getting married in July... So what does our hero do?? I don't know, actually... But I sure hope he hasn't gone searching for rat poison, or planning to take a nap on the railway tracks... Devdas's philosophy hasn't exactly been profitable to our modern day lovers, except for raking in loss of dignity for them and moolah for Bimal Roy in 1955 and Sanjay Leela Bhansali in 2002...
Hopefully he's moving on... I have learnt to do the same the hard way, its why I can't ridicule his agonizingly stupid actions... End of Chapter. Life, here we come! We can find something better to discuss than screwed-up relationships, right... I say screwed-up, only because I'm unable to conjure a worse adjective!
Mom called in the morning today and told me about this family friend's daughter who finally made it through IIT... She had passed the 12th std in 2006... This was her third attempt which finally succeeded... While I do commend her absolute dedication to cracking the IIT-JEE, which is seen as one hard nut to crack, my doubts still flourish as to what she achieved by wasting 2 years of her life...

I had answered the JEE too, though my rank was closer to a telephone number, than anything IIT-worthy... But the biggies who do make it through IITs, MITs, IIMs, and all those sacred places, what do they gain? At the most, they will have their statues erected in all the parks and landmarks of the world, where they will have a lifetime-free subscription to digested avian meals!

What did you achieve to make up for all the lost sleep, all the time you did not spend with your friends, the attention you could not give to an aging grandparent just because you were busy mugging up empirical formulas and concepts of supply and demand? What will you have gained if your kids see you as nothing more than an uncle who comes home to sleep with their mother?

I'd prefer to have a life where the president of the company I work in, does not know I exist, but my neighbour thinks I'm a nice guy... I'd love a life which cannot get me a BMW, even if I slog every single waking second, but allows me to give piggy-back rides to my daughter... I'd want a life which would get me into trouble with irate clients for not meeting a deadline, but would allow me to ensure my kids are tucked in for the night... A life which does not earn me an invite to the elite circles of society, but allows me to trouble my mom and laugh with my dad... I'd rather take a walk on a long road, than zoom through it in a Ferrari without having the time to roll down the windows...

Life is just that... A rather heady collusion of dreamy "I want"s and practical "I get"s... No point cribbing, just dip the straw in and swirl in the contents... Its the best you can do when you dream about a gleaming new sportsbike, and life hands you a beat-up moped with a torn seat...

You must be feeling murderous by now, so lets change the topic (again..)! Had shopping in the evening and got some milk... Thought I'll make some milkshake and opened the pack to have some fresh-cow-dung-cake fragrance waft through my freshly washed kitchen... Name of Milk: Nature Fresh, tagline: Closest to Nature... Close to Nature, alright! They did not rule out wildlife either!

Good the nights for now, last day of holiday tomorrow!! And Raphael's said he's gonna teach me to cook tomm... Lets see, will I come up with a gourmet chicken dish tomorrow or will I just turn up short of burning the house down? Fingers Crossed, Elbows Twisted!


Current Mood : Majja Nu Life!

Mujik : Mortal Kombat Soundtrack

~~Into the Great Wide Divide~~

I know the "tilde"d title looks a bit girly... But Shilpi does that on all her posts, so i thought I'll give it a shot too!! Sue me!! The divide I am referring to is this 3-day weekend that I have... I'm missing my workplace, yeah... Culpable como cargado!

First day of a 3-day weekend and I'm made a trip to HDFC to make a friend's visa payments... Driving in traffic sucks :(
I just realised that I have never talked about myself here... I crib about everything in my life, and everything under the sun too, but i haven't done any self-trumpet blowing yet!! How ignorant of me!

Well, lets see.... I'm this 6'3", broad-shouldered, slim-hipped, chocolate-faced, cocoa-eyed young Adonis... I look like a dream and walk, talk, dance like one too... I have a face to die for and a physique to rival that... Your typical Greek God, in lesser words!

Now if you girls are done drooling, lets peel off the Park Avenue mannequin!! I'm as tall as the coffee table and possess a build that resembles a ball with stubby legs... I cannot dance to save my life... I have a 2-month beard on me right now, and I plan on taking it to the 5-month-milestone... My face, yes it will kill you on sight, aided by my northward-bound-hairline... Any1 still salivating? :)

Having read that most of you will surely come up with a remark about something pertaining to this blog being narcissistic... Of course, its narcissistic... Otherwise, what's the point!! heheh!!

Was thinking about some old times today... Realised that there has been someone up there watching over me all these years... Whenever I have been somewhere abysmally low, something has always been instrumental in restoring my sanity... Be it a dance performance, or jousts of creative writing, I have always found something to take refuge in...

To that guardian angel: Dear Sir, I need something now...

I have this 2-month old beard right now... 2 days ago Mamujaan comes to me and says "Eby what is this?? you are working in a professional organization now, you need to start being a little more formal, even in your personal matters???" WTF!! You want formal? Fine, I'll start wearing a neck-tie to the shower!! Mamujaan is a pseudonym for a big gun at work... Can't retort to him on his face, else you may see me looking for another job...

See, I grow a beard because I like growing a beard, I don't see how it affects my (scant?) productivity! Also, the beard is to be blamed for 25 years of "singledom", not me!

"Singledom" is a status I have accepted with open arms... (Sour grapes suck!!)... Jokes apart, for the record, I truly believe that the concept of romance is solely the result of exaggerated testosterone play and vacuum-headed Bollywood movie directors... I also believe that mush talk and true love are genuinely criminal methods of wasting time and misleading the impressionable youth...

Yep, the phenomenon called LOVE is definitely beyond my rudimentary, inchoate comprehension skills... I birdwatch, flirt, sweet-talk, all that, but relationships, even platonic ones, have never gone good for me... All they manage to do is nudge me verrrrry gradually into devastating soul-wrenching dilemnas... DAMN!

The biggest challenge is to actually figure out what the female is looking for... I say THE female, because it applies to every specimen conforming to the universal definition of female... Do they want a Prince Charming or do they want a charming jester???

I have seen perfectly good looking, agreeable, sensible, take-home-to-mummyji league of guys being rejected by a girl; reason: "Oh! He does not make me laugh..." Now if what you females want is someone suffering from a bad case of wiseass fever, why the *bleep* am I still single????

OK, maybe I'm not exactly the best example for ladies looking for a guy suffused with humour, but then face it girls, no self-respecting-guy is not gonna make you titter all the time and tolerate you giggling away to Kingdom Come... If that is what we wanted, Hyenas would have made good household pets!

I have seen guys being labeled "CREEP" when they attempt to act slightly smart in the vicinity of the fairer sex... But if no one pays attention to their oh-so-sexy-selves, then we are the unconcerned, insensitive clods... And its not just "creep", its "creeeeeeep"... Girl Power affirmed!!

And by the way, we guys expect something from you girls too... DO NOT ASSUME that it is we who are obliged to kiss your fetid butts all the time... You need to do some "impressing-us" too... Remember, if you can throw your tantrums, we can bring the house down too... We are not here to hear one of your crucifyingly boring sermons on why the guy-in-the-adjacent cubicle hits on you, or to be a mute listener to your excruciatingly disgusting gossip sessions...

To quote Sujanya, being in a relationship, any relationship, is like sailing in a boat... The ride’s going to be smooth so long as you know your course. As long as you understand the boat’s needs and the weather ahead, you’re fine. Once you start taking the boat/ the weather for granted its “MAN OVERBOARD!!!”
Sorry about so much of the gyan-cum-tirade... Can't think of any more unsolicited pearls of wisdom to hand out so more on this once I'm recharged, rejuvenated, revitalised... OK, that just turned into an ad for a pharmacy clinic...

Haven't eaten a single bite of anything remotely resembling food... (my nails don't qualify!)... Lemme go grab a bite before malnutrition hits my not-so-little tummy!


Current Mood: AAAAHHHH!!

Music: Sadness - Enigma (Its a dance number!)

Talk about screwed up beginnings...

A surefire bummer start to a long weekend... One of my 4 roommates is off to Oracle Delhi next weekend and another one will leave to Netherlands, end of this month...

That leaves Wilson and me in a 2BHK... Question arises as to what do we do now... Do we continue to stay here and bring 2 more ppl to join us...? Wud be a lil irritating, considering that both Wilson and I would not be comfortable sharing a house with complete strangers... And if they are assholes, then living together would be as easy as me wooing Katrina Kaif away from Salman....

Another option is we find a 1BHK and move out... But having stayed where we have for more than 2 years, its not easy to pull ourselves out and go plant our butts somewhere else... plus a 1BHK would be too small for all our stuff...

Bro called today and was cribbing about his roomies taking him for granted, expecting him to tow their fetid butts around... its happened to me too, right since the time I got a bike.... Learn to say no, Siby... Trust me, becomes very necessary after a while...

I really need to find something better to write about!


Current Mood: WTF
Moojik: Engeyum Eppodum - Illayaraja!

Prelude to a Long weekend

It’s a Friday! Fridays are special for multiple reasons…

First: Casual Dress Code in Office… Jeans/Cargos are so much more comfortable than formal trousers… Although the trousers that I wear Mondays-Thursdays are not exactly formal but conventional nylon formals don’t fall well on me… Call me picky! No formal shoes either! So much more relaxed…

Second: I know that I have two days ahead of me, when I’m not going to do anything that is remotely productive…

Third: The work environ is so much more cool on Fridays… My leads smile, my PM smiles, my SPM… well he’s a nice guy and a perpetual “smiler”! I do have a good team, I’m lucky!

Fourth: Casual Dress Code also results in a lot more greenery in office… Guys I don’t need to explain; Girls: Well u will understand, n most probably take offence! Yeah go on Karate me, I’m a pervert!!

Weekend Timetable goes something like this: I’ll wake up at something around 6… take a stroll to the bathroom while I decide if I should brush or not… commute between the tv and the laptop, with intermittent stops at the kitchen/fridge… And all this while being wrapped in nothing more than a towel… Ahem... I hope that “towel” bit made around a dozen females all over the country rush to catch the next flight to Hyderabad!

Yeah, weekends are pretty much my time to be my normal (unwashed?) self… I know I’m so full of life! Well, don’t blame me, this part is there in the Dictionary definition of Introvert, and I believe it should now go ahead and include my photo next to the word as well! My roommates must be going nuts, having me around… Wait a minute… No wonder they are never at home!

I received some link which led me to this site called pagalguy… Its supposed to be a highly useful site in the MBA-aspirant-circle… There was one question there, commonly asked at PIs…

“What kind of a person are you?”

This kinda heavily loaded philosophy talk causes the bells in my mind to go clanging like the ones in a temple on a stormy night in a Bollywood movie… Now, I’m as confident as Sunny Deol, in a free-style brawl between him and me, when I say that only a total of 4 people on this planet would be interested in knowing the person I am… And I have arrived at that figure, assuming my family members would be interested too!

Lets see…

Spiritual?? About as much as a psychopath…

Witty?? I wish…

Sarcastic?? Very…

Lost?? Hell, yeah…

Can’t think of anymore, so I’m gonna end this self-immolation here…

Babe/Scarface/Peabrain/Dogface: If u read this, can u pls gimme a call… I’ve made a number of attempts to reach u already… Thought I’d write your name first, then realised you’d absolutely hate me for it!

I got a check-up scheduled tomorrow… lets see how that goes… My eating habits are nothing like the doctor would say “Bravo” for… Regular skipping of meals, intermittent meds consumption…

Current Mood: Reflective

Current Music : Belly Dancer – Akon