Sapped of Strength

Hmmm... Someone has deleted her blog (or merely changed the URL) after getting harsh feedback... And then people ask me to not be sensitive...

So basically any crap bullshit said to my face is to be taken quietly, as "positive/constructive criticism", and if I do the same thing, I'm being harsh??? Yeah that makes as much sense to me as Family planning makes to Laloo Prasad Yadav...

I expected a certain testimonial to disappear as well, now let's see how long that lasts...
I'm tired of being strong for everyone else's sake... I don't have the strength to be strong anymore... I just don't...

There are times when I need my Guardian Angel around too... Nobody realises that some people expend a tremendous amount of energy to merely be normal... I do... To put up a front of everything being absolutely normal and fine, when inside I'm bleeding, crying, dying...

Didn't eat the whole of yesterday... Felt hungry sometime around eight... But hunger died too... My body didn’t complain... just suffered silently.

I remember doing this once a long time ago too... Pushing myself like this... My system retaliated with an unbearable cramp... I punished it by offering it nothing but more alcohol for two more days... Came to my senses after that...

Yesterday it rained like crazy here... Some cyclonic thing... I went driving... Yes Em I did, I just had to... It's like there are moments when a different person takes over me...

I wouldn't say it's some split personality thing is in control... I am fully conscious of whatever I am doing, it's just that I'm helpless to not go along with it... Maybe a part of me wants me to go along...

I did not take any jacket either... Just a t-shirt, tracks, floaters and a helmet... I love that feeling of the cold, biting rain soaking me to the bone;
As I struggle to keep my fingers from turning lifelessly numb while manoeuvring the bike;
As I let my jaw shake uncontrollably while squinting to see through the pouring rain;
As my body shivers violently to generate the heat it needs to keep me from falling off from severe hypothermia...

Got back at 3 in the morning... And I'm sitting and writing this... Let's see if I'm still capable of going to work 5 hours later... Goodnight...


Feeling : Escapist

Listening : Teri Yaadein Aati hai - Lucky Ali