...my own Anti-being, the one that I'm constantly trying to run away from. I watch myself run away, watch myself pushing myself to my last shred of efforts, to the farthest reaches of my self-respect, and I watch this with the Devil's sadistic smile.
I watch myself playing my game, I let myself run far enough, I let myself think I'm safe, I let myself think I have finally escaped. And then I yank myself back, I creep upon myself stealthily and I tear myself apart.
Why does a person have to lie? Well some can claim that they did not lie, they just never told the truth. But a lie that is a half-truth is the blackest of all lies. And when you find out, it hits you and it hits you hard.
It happened to me on Friday evening... And to wash it off I took a walk in the pouring rain... That saying applies pretty well here... I love walking in the rain because then no one can see me cry...
Ever tried walking in the rain? Cold, hard-hitting, unforgiving raindrops pelting against you with an immeasurable force, stinging with an intensity that match the battles raging inside your head.
You can cry until you feel you have let everything out with your tears, until there's nothing left inside you, and then you can cry some more. Run until your legs give way and you fall into a dreamless sleep... Never wanting to wake up again...
I ran and I cried... In the rain... With all my might and everything I could muster from within me... And when I couldn't do that anymore, I got on my bike and drove... Rode into the darkness as if that wanderlust could hide me in a cocoon where nothing, not even my mind could get to me... To show me what I could not lose because I did not have it...
They say when Life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade... Unfortunately I just manage to turn them into low-grade explosives...
You meet someone and you feel a promise, a future, a hope of things going right, of things becoming better... and then reality kicks in... hard... Damn hopes, damn dreams, damn crystal balls...
For a second I thought Life, as I knew it, had changed.
A marionette at a fair... I look at my wooden legs... They don't move of their own accord... The puppeteer controls them... Puppeteers come, puppeteers go... And I hold on to the forlorn hopes of a better tomorrow... I don't want the damn tomorrow...
The sorrow runs in the veins... Competing with blood for supremacy... Sedating every cell in the bitter flood... Deja-Vu be damned.
So many things going good with life and instead of looking at the light-end of the shaft, I continue to sit hunched up at rock-bottom that I hit. I continually remind myself that I cannot crib at a choice I made, and yet I find a nice little corner and sit there staring at nothing.
I watch my life flash by... Music pounding away in my ears, unanswered questions pounding away in my head, beginnings of tears in my eyes... I do not let those tears fall and then I remember that I do not always have to be strong... And then I smile as I cry...
The tears fall on my shoe and I watch them stagnate... I see a face there, I see them smile and I smile for them... I smile yet again... I smile at the tear, I smile at my pain... I feel awful and I smile, and I smile because I smiled at feeling awful...
The tears still continue to flow... I bump up the volume on the headphones, to drown out the voices in my head... Music does not give me the escape...
I'm celebrating with much fanfare, the act of forgetting the people I once cared for... Laconically Ironic.
Feeling : Caught in a labyrinth, with a hailstorm on one side and a drought on the other...
Listening : Principles of Lust - Enigma
I watch myself playing my game, I let myself run far enough, I let myself think I'm safe, I let myself think I have finally escaped. And then I yank myself back, I creep upon myself stealthily and I tear myself apart.
Why does a person have to lie? Well some can claim that they did not lie, they just never told the truth. But a lie that is a half-truth is the blackest of all lies. And when you find out, it hits you and it hits you hard.
It happened to me on Friday evening... And to wash it off I took a walk in the pouring rain... That saying applies pretty well here... I love walking in the rain because then no one can see me cry...
Ever tried walking in the rain? Cold, hard-hitting, unforgiving raindrops pelting against you with an immeasurable force, stinging with an intensity that match the battles raging inside your head.
You can cry until you feel you have let everything out with your tears, until there's nothing left inside you, and then you can cry some more. Run until your legs give way and you fall into a dreamless sleep... Never wanting to wake up again...
I ran and I cried... In the rain... With all my might and everything I could muster from within me... And when I couldn't do that anymore, I got on my bike and drove... Rode into the darkness as if that wanderlust could hide me in a cocoon where nothing, not even my mind could get to me... To show me what I could not lose because I did not have it...
They say when Life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade... Unfortunately I just manage to turn them into low-grade explosives...
You meet someone and you feel a promise, a future, a hope of things going right, of things becoming better... and then reality kicks in... hard... Damn hopes, damn dreams, damn crystal balls...
For a second I thought Life, as I knew it, had changed.
A marionette at a fair... I look at my wooden legs... They don't move of their own accord... The puppeteer controls them... Puppeteers come, puppeteers go... And I hold on to the forlorn hopes of a better tomorrow... I don't want the damn tomorrow...
The sorrow runs in the veins... Competing with blood for supremacy... Sedating every cell in the bitter flood... Deja-Vu be damned.
So many things going good with life and instead of looking at the light-end of the shaft, I continue to sit hunched up at rock-bottom that I hit. I continually remind myself that I cannot crib at a choice I made, and yet I find a nice little corner and sit there staring at nothing.
I watch my life flash by... Music pounding away in my ears, unanswered questions pounding away in my head, beginnings of tears in my eyes... I do not let those tears fall and then I remember that I do not always have to be strong... And then I smile as I cry...
The tears fall on my shoe and I watch them stagnate... I see a face there, I see them smile and I smile for them... I smile yet again... I smile at the tear, I smile at my pain... I feel awful and I smile, and I smile because I smiled at feeling awful...
The tears still continue to flow... I bump up the volume on the headphones, to drown out the voices in my head... Music does not give me the escape...
I'm celebrating with much fanfare, the act of forgetting the people I once cared for... Laconically Ironic.
Feeling : Caught in a labyrinth, with a hailstorm on one side and a drought on the other...
Listening : Principles of Lust - Enigma
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