Maybe

I could apologise, if what I write offends you, because that isn't my intent. But I write about the way I feel, and I'm not going to apologise for the way I feel.
Best case (irrelevant now) is that I would have got what I wanted - You.
Worst case, I lost something I never really had.

Do I miss the people who have walked out on me? Yes, a part of me does. But there is this other, more pragmatic part that accepts that I cannot compel people to stay. Reconciliation is a two-way street. So, yes, you have every right to be mad. But, prithee, ask yourself, which is the part that you are mad about? That I dreamt what I did, that I wrote what I did, or that I didn't tell you about it?

The dream, you should know that it is on the empty side. See, because in my dream, when I'm thinking of you, you are thinking of me too. When I'm kissing you, in my dream, you are kissing me too. I'm not trying to score, I'm not trying to get back at anyone or anything, if that's what you think. It's just..a moment, a freeze-frame..

There are moments in your life that make you. That set the course of who you are going to be. Sometimes they are subtle moments. Sometimes, not so much. A touch, a look, a lull in conversation, such moments may not be of gargantuan proportions, but you do treasure them, they do feel immense. Trouble is, even if you see them coming, you are not ready for the really big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. Does that mean we are helpless? Puppets? No. Big moments are not something you can help. It's what you do afterwards that counts. It's when you find out who you are. - Max Perlich (and then Eby-ed some).

A person is made by the moment. Not by questioning the past, or fearing tomorrow.

It's not about the past anymore. It's about tomorrow. I'm done with saying all the 'nothing' I had to say, even though I still have a lot more 'nothing' to be said. I have to let you go because it's what you want. You have walked out the door, and I have to let go of everything I've been holding on to, so that you and I can both have that tomorrow.

Of course, I want you to be happy. I want you to have what's best for you. I just don't want to stick around to watch. Because I don't have it in me to be a celebrated martyr.. There is a part of me, there is a big part of me that wants to be happy too. And I honestly cannot imagine that without you. How crazy is that..!

I need a moment so I can wait for my heart to reboot. Or you could just stop it again, who needs a heartbeat anyway?

I guess that is my superpower, right? My way with words. Except when it's you though, because then I get all tongue-tied and babble like a blithering idiot. Which, I guess, makes you my kryptonite.

There is value in being imperfect. You don’t have to be sure of yourself every step of the way, or love everything about yourself all the time. You don’t have to be beautiful and brave and brilliant to matter. For every Batman, there is a Robin, for every Sherlock, a Watson, for every Harry Potter, a Ronald Weasley. And in the saga of saving the world, their stories are just as important. They teach us that we are enough, exactly as we are, with all of our idiosyncrasies and blemishes and cynicism. Our greatest fear is not that we are not powerful, or more powerful than we realise. Our greatest fear is that we are, well and truly, ordinary.

I wish I'd had the balls to tell a neighbour girl I grew up with how much I admired her tenacity - and her dental braces. Or to tell the girl I've known since we were both two, about the time she came over to return a book and it took me everything I had to not tell her that I liked her. And right now, I wish I could call up the girl I barely know and ask her a million questions, just so she knows that I haven't forgotten her and I want so badly to not give a damn that she has.

You should know that there are people out there who spend a lot of time thinking about you, wishing they were brave enough to say that to you. Regardless of whether or not you meet "socially-approved" standards of beauty or intelligence or humour, regardless of whether or not you think you are everything that someone thinks you are, there is somebody who thinks you're the most wonderful person on the planet. Even if they wait years to say it. Even if they never do.

Sometimes we must go away to discover things about ourselves. Sometimes we go away with the wrong people. Sometimes we go away with the right teachers. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know. It's always been easier for me to keep people at arm's length. Then again, I think we have that in common.

Maybe I don't owe you my life, or what I made of it.
Maybe it's just the way you make me feel.
Maybe you aren't the one that is supposed to make me feel the way I do.
Maybe I'm a masochist who appreciates things only once they are gone.
Maybe it's just me looking for something that isn't there.
Maybe I did get my hopes up too high.
Maybe I was the stupid one, for thinking that maybe you felt the same way.
Maybe there's one too many maybes here.

But it's true, I 'mish' you. So much. Every day. And every day is a rigorous exercise in self-control, because it takes me every ounce of that to not open a window and say a rather timid hi. Rather, not send it to you, even if my wayward fingers do frame it. Again. And again. Every day. Because the pain twists in my gut like a knife. A rusty, ragged, serrated knife. Because you are everything I want, and everything I can't have. And it doesn't matter now, because you're gone and I'm still going through withdrawals. Because no matter how much worth the effort you are, you are not worth the guilt.

I did not send any wishes to you today. I'm not going to.
Maybe I'll do it later. As part of a conversation segue on Whatsapp. Preceded by 'By the way'.

We are not friends. I'd add an 'anymore', but I'm not sure we ever were.

Next time around, I'll build myself a stronger wall. Of scar tissue.

Maybe.

Stay with me.. as my dreams come to an end..
I promise I will not open my eyes..
Even as sunsets kiss me, even as tiny white roses bloom, even as the raindrops fall gently..
My eyes will stay closed, My dreams will stay.. And I'm hoping you will too..