Redemption: A long road to Peace

Dear God..
I've been sulking for a while now. I think I'm done.
Thank you for sticking around, thank you for not giving up on me, thank you for knowing I'd be back. I hope we will be friends again. Soon.
Thank you for believing in me, when I didn't believe in myself.
I've been foul-tempered, ill-mannered, foolish, overhasty, impetuous.. Life as usual, You'd agree. And as I pause to draw breath for more madness, there are some things I need to get off my chest.

Thank you.. for the heartbreaks, for the humiliation, for the times of being invited to be made to feel like I was invisible, like I was a waste of breathing space.
For the four days of waking up with leaden feet. For the four days of wishing I could go back to sleep.
For the days of being in the vicinity, and yet being non-existent. As if no one had come, no one had gone, no feathers were ruffled.
They taught me to lick my wounds.
Thank you.. for old friends.
Thank you.. for those that take advantage of bad situations, of soured friendships, for those that do not move a finger to set things right, lest they fail to get ahead.. They remind me that You're watching.
Thank you.. for a foolish but open heart.
It makes me be there for people when they were new and had no one, even if they walk away later when they have people to turn to and I have no one.
It keeps me diving headlong into relationships and crawling out of the debris, feeling like a celebrated martyr.
It keeps me bouncing from mess to mess, and yet get back up on my feet.
I may not be what you intended me to be. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm glad you're around, waiting to see what I'll get up to next.

Happy Easter everyone!

Raindrops on a window

Thunderstorms rattling the panes

Blind Shadows, eyes wide open

Two familiar pillows and a sheet, unfamiliar companions

The melancholy of water, tearing the heart of the sky

We never broke up.. We never even got to start..

Changing the name to "Do Not Call Her" doesn't help either..

Looking back at the multiple times neither of us disappeared when the other person wanted to.. We both refused to listen to each other..Whatever happened to never walking away, however bad it gets..?

There are a lot of things that you changed about me. The first thing that I felt like standing up for, like fighting for.

And every time I make the effort, I seem to be the one getting clobbered and abandoned.. Waylaid at the wayside.. Call me a hypochondriac..

From when I wrap myself up in a black and gray comforter every night..

From reading SMS lingo messages..

From watching you sleep like a baby..

The mistakes were mine, the choices were mine, and hence the consequences are to be mine too. Being a pathetic insecure jerk has its "perks".

And "sorry" just does not cut it, no matter how much or how sincerely it is said.

This is for me, for me to know that I'm trying to face the enormity of my choices.. I'm no better.. But I'm trying to be.. And I need that conviction to be able to look at myself in the mirror tomorrow morning and every morning..

Redemption is a long road to Peace.