Looking Back

I may not be capable of loving the way You do

But help me become worthy of being loved by someone like You

You know how sometimes things can come back and bite you in the ass?

Trust. It is one of those things.

It can come back to haunt you.

If you let it go, it can wreak a million different kinds of havoc.

It can mess with your head, make you hope, giving you a false sense of security, like it’s a release from loneliness.

It makes you believe, that you can’t, and won’t be hurt.

Nope. Trust can hurt. It can hurt so bad that nothing else will matter.

Trust gone haywire, is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Because the sheer agony that follows is not physical.

Don’t let anyone get to know you better than you know yourself. Always, always keep your guard up. Build and fortify those walls around yourself. No doors, no windows, not even a skylight. Letting someone in can be the biggest mistake you ever make. Don’t let someone touch you so much that when they leave you can’t take it. Don’t let them in so much that when they go, you feel like a fool because that feeling does not feel good.

It's the very reason dreams are dangerous too. Scarier than nightmares. Monsters under the bed don't haunt you in real life. Dreams do. Because you keep hoping that they'll come true. You tell people about it, you fight for it. And then in a single instant, it walks away. And you're left battling for nothingness. You're left with what you fought for, those you fought with and nothing to show for it.

The thing with being an idiot is that the only one you hurt is yourself.

When you remove memories of something that you said made a day special..

When you remove memories because of the tags they come with..

When you remove people from circles and block them out..

Did you think no one would know?

As I end this, I'll take a leaf out of Sunshine's book and post the lyrics to Gotye's "Somebody that I used to know"

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Redemption: A long road to Peace

Dear God..
I've been sulking for a while now. I think I'm done.
Thank you for sticking around, thank you for not giving up on me, thank you for knowing I'd be back. I hope we will be friends again. Soon.
Thank you for believing in me, when I didn't believe in myself.
I've been foul-tempered, ill-mannered, foolish, overhasty, impetuous.. Life as usual, You'd agree. And as I pause to draw breath for more madness, there are some things I need to get off my chest.

Thank you.. for the heartbreaks, for the humiliation, for the times of being invited to be made to feel like I was invisible, like I was a waste of breathing space.
For the four days of waking up with leaden feet. For the four days of wishing I could go back to sleep.
For the days of being in the vicinity, and yet being non-existent. As if no one had come, no one had gone, no feathers were ruffled.
They taught me to lick my wounds.
Thank you.. for old friends.
Thank you.. for those that take advantage of bad situations, of soured friendships, for those that do not move a finger to set things right, lest they fail to get ahead.. They remind me that You're watching.
Thank you.. for a foolish but open heart.
It makes me be there for people when they were new and had no one, even if they walk away later when they have people to turn to and I have no one.
It keeps me diving headlong into relationships and crawling out of the debris, feeling like a celebrated martyr.
It keeps me bouncing from mess to mess, and yet get back up on my feet.
I may not be what you intended me to be. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm glad you're around, waiting to see what I'll get up to next.

Happy Easter everyone!

Raindrops on a window

Thunderstorms rattling the panes

Blind Shadows, eyes wide open

Two familiar pillows and a sheet, unfamiliar companions

The melancholy of water, tearing the heart of the sky

We never broke up.. We never even got to start..

Changing the name to "Do Not Call Her" doesn't help either..

Looking back at the multiple times neither of us disappeared when the other person wanted to.. We both refused to listen to each other..Whatever happened to never walking away, however bad it gets..?

There are a lot of things that you changed about me. The first thing that I felt like standing up for, like fighting for.

And every time I make the effort, I seem to be the one getting clobbered and abandoned.. Waylaid at the wayside.. Call me a hypochondriac..

From when I wrap myself up in a black and gray comforter every night..

From reading SMS lingo messages..

From watching you sleep like a baby..

The mistakes were mine, the choices were mine, and hence the consequences are to be mine too. Being a pathetic insecure jerk has its "perks".

And "sorry" just does not cut it, no matter how much or how sincerely it is said.

This is for me, for me to know that I'm trying to face the enormity of my choices.. I'm no better.. But I'm trying to be.. And I need that conviction to be able to look at myself in the mirror tomorrow morning and every morning..

Redemption is a long road to Peace.