I am my own Nemesis...

...my own Anti-being, the one that I'm constantly trying to run away from. I watch myself run away, watch myself pushing myself to my last shred of efforts, to the farthest reaches of my self-respect, and I watch this with the Devil's sadistic smile.

I watch myself playing my game, I let myself run far enough, I let myself think I'm safe, I let myself think I have finally escaped. And then I yank myself back, I creep upon myself stealthily and I tear myself apart.

Why does a person have to lie? Well some can claim that they did not lie, they just never told the truth. But a lie that is a half-truth is the blackest of all lies. And when you find out, it hits you and it hits you hard.

It happened to me on Friday evening... And to wash it off I took a walk in the pouring rain... That saying applies pretty well here... I love walking in the rain because then no one can see me cry...

Ever tried walking in the rain? Cold, hard-hitting, unforgiving raindrops pelting against you with an immeasurable force, stinging with an intensity that match the battles raging inside your head.

You can cry until you feel you have let everything out with your tears, until there's nothing left inside you, and then you can cry some more. Run until your legs give way and you fall into a dreamless sleep... Never wanting to wake up again...

I ran and I cried... In the rain... With all my might and everything I could muster from within me... And when I couldn't do that anymore, I got on my bike and drove... Rode into the darkness as if that wanderlust could hide me in a cocoon where nothing, not even my mind could get to me... To show me what I could not lose because I did not have it...

They say when Life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade... Unfortunately I just manage to turn them into low-grade explosives...

You meet someone and you feel a promise, a future, a hope of things going right, of things becoming better... and then reality kicks in... hard... Damn hopes, damn dreams, damn crystal balls...

For a second I thought Life, as I knew it, had changed.

A marionette at a fair... I look at my wooden legs... They don't move of their own accord... The puppeteer controls them... Puppeteers come, puppeteers go... And I hold on to the forlorn hopes of a better tomorrow... I don't want the damn tomorrow...

The sorrow runs in the veins... Competing with blood for supremacy... Sedating every cell in the bitter flood... Deja-Vu be damned.

So many things going good with life and instead of looking at the light-end of the shaft, I continue to sit hunched up at rock-bottom that I hit. I continually remind myself that I cannot crib at a choice I made, and yet I find a nice little corner and sit there staring at nothing.

I watch my life flash by... Music pounding away in my ears, unanswered questions pounding away in my head, beginnings of tears in my eyes... I do not let those tears fall and then I remember that I do not always have to be strong... And then I smile as I cry...

The tears fall on my shoe and I watch them stagnate... I see a face there, I see them smile and I smile for them... I smile yet again... I smile at the tear, I smile at my pain... I feel awful and I smile, and I smile because I smiled at feeling awful...

The tears still continue to flow... I bump up the volume on the headphones, to drown out the voices in my head... Music does not give me the escape...

I'm celebrating with much fanfare, the act of forgetting the people I once cared for... Laconically Ironic.

Feeling : Caught in a labyrinth, with a hailstorm on one side and a drought on the other...

Listening : Principles of Lust - Enigma

An Ode...

...to the walking-talking egos that abound in Infy, atleast in my dance team.

Know-it-all Smirks, Smug Expressions
Overflowing confidence, no signs of perfection
The inimitable “I can never be wrong”
Be it work, or play or a random song.

Zilch on experience, nix on talent
No remote indications of commitment
But, oh the pain and the tears, so worthy of a thesaurus
Anxious to form excuses for a conduct so pusillanimous

I dreamt in my life, dreams that stayed with me ever after
Dreams that are being sacrificed at a false pride’s stinking altar
Having levelled my palace, don’t erect a hovel for me
Don’t bask in the complacent admiration of your pointless charity

My ideas have changed, like wine through water
Altered in colour, purity and texture
Having the last word, is not always winning
Why say something just for the sake of saying something?

Apologies for the big words and flowery language
Didn’t intend to be sesquipedalian, not in this age!
But, alas, some people don’t understand subtle sarcasm
Maybe open jibes (like this one) will span the chasm

No, I'm not Suicidal

Sitting here at the end of a long, eventful life, sets me to contemplation. Love is a complex emotion riddled with affection, guilt, jealousy and, at times, unbridled lust.

But the darker side of Love comes out when it's affronted, or poisoned... It scares me... The deeper one loves, the greater is one's potential to hate... I don't want that to happen to me.... I am capable of a lot of love, of hate, of pain... Its not that we hated each other, but then why did we both come to this juncture?

There is something that I have lost. A part of me that yearned to be touched. A void inside that needed to be filled. Maybe being alone is getting to me. Maybe I have been walking a vicious circle over and over inside my head.

Imagination is such a heartless thing. It makes memories mutate into dreams and brings a world of (welcome) pain, like an incessant plague. But then again this curse can inexplicably turn into your greatest virtue.

We all have our individual paths in life. I had a life to lead, I had a choice to follow. My choices led me to my undoing and my grief, but in the end, it is still my own wilful choice, not a coercion.

A life dying in front of my eyes... And I'm powerless to do something about it...


Feeling : GAH!

Listening : Keep on Moving - Tokyo Drift

As I walk the Green Mile

Ablaze deep inside, an overpowering fervour
The vortex draws me in, I hold on in sheer terror
A mouthful of the sky, we ask of the heavens
Even as our lives lie in sixes and sevens

Knocking at a window, a ray of light seems to leak
A shred of hope for the strong and the meek
The leaves rustle and as my knees go weak,
I hear in the distance, a Father-daughter playing Hide-and-seek

A calling to trust my life and commit to His Way
I fought the good (?) fight and held on to my Faith
Its easy to be blind, to close my eyes and shut out my truth
Liberty, a price I pay for Vigilance; I can’t have them both

I witnessed despair, I witnessed despondence
I witnessed guilt in every sense
I witnessed slander, I witnessed sin
I witnessed my patience wearing thin

Footprints on the sand; before me, behind me
Innumerable roads, an endless destiny
Facets to friendships, a fear of persecution
A void so barren, a vacuum cannot be such perfection

Walking in circles, looking for my Answer
None to be found, the Questions just run farther
An end I need, as the snakes coil tighter around my neck
I stand in the shadows, keeping a cracked heart in check

A faceless hand on my shoulder, hold me so tight
My angels left me, thinking I’d be alright
Vision blurred, sorrow cloud my eyes, cold clammy skin
Smoke beyond my horizon, love and hate akin

I can say I’m not lost in the fog
I can say I will find my way out of this bog
I can say I have retrieved my solace
But all I say is that I need you to clear this haze

This is my Life, I don’t have to be perfect.
The mistakes I made, they were all worth it.
Scars, that have burnt their way into my soul’s bedlam,
Scare others so that they cannot see how scared I am.