I dreamt of you.. Last night.. Or it was last night, as of when I started writing this. The same day as the email the year before. Coincidence? I do not know. No reason for that day to be special. Except you.
But dream I did. We were running. Hands held, just running. From what, to where, I do not know, there was no prologue or a predefined premise, it was an abrupt beginning, as dreams often are. But I was with you, pulling you along, drawing my strength from your grasp. And I believe that was all that mattered to me. So the reason became immaterial, didn't it?
We were running across city roads, rooftops, moors, hills, water-logged canyons, rock-faced cliffs. A course, I doubt exists in real life, even in the most diverse cross-country tracks. Through rain, waves, snowstorms, cornflowers, and weirdly, parking lots (?)
Never growing tired, never letting go, never looking back. Oddly at peace.
You know how, when you kiss someone in a dream, how real it feels? Like your lips really did touch, like your fingers really did ever so tenderly caress the skin at the side of her neck, like you really did close your eyes and inhale her very essence into yours. The intoxication that stays with you even after you wake up. And the restlessness that the morning fails to cease. And the way it continues to haunt your subconscious. Even though you've never actually kissed her.
That was how it was. We stopped running, under an awning, by a quiet, sleepy, mist-covered trail. The kind that stolen moments are made of. Standing there, catching our breaths, I looked at you, wanting to make sure you were alright. And all I could think of was that, even in your sheer exhaustion, you looked prettier than a rainbow, a heady mix of someone both sweet and tough.
You have this innate tranquility about you that makes people pay attention. You’re beautiful, sure, but it’s a lot more than just that. You’re immensely captivating. The world unfolds as if just for you. You smile at no one in particular, and everyone feels like you’re giving them a gift, their own personal talisman, warming them from within. They stop. They smile back. You make that happen. You are different. You are special.
You are strong, so quietly strong that a stranger might miss the toughness beneath the soft exterior. Something anchors you to the earth, even when the emptiness threatens to let you slowly float away. You do not let the nothingness win, for there is a something-ness that pushes you to keep fighting. You feel you are weak, but you are truly a warrior.
You do not fail. You make mistakes and you rectify them as best you can and you try again, and sometimes you make more mistakes, but you’re never afraid to make them. Failure fails to define you, because you are a paragon of resilience, of valiance, of pushing forward when it would be so much easier to stop. You know, somehow, that the easy way is a trap and that you are always a better person for choosing what is difficult, because it is right.
I am replaceable. Very much so. There are dozens of me waiting to have their lives touched by someone like you. You are the one who cannot be replaced. You, with your sarcasm and your maddening modesty and your propensity to never see that which I see in you. You, with your inability to mince words and your blunt observations and your willingness to simply be, no matter how uncomfortable.
No one will ever replace you.
Exactly as you are, right now, with your quirks and your scars and your dreams.
You.
You sensed my stare, looked back at me, a question in your eyes. My stomach jumped, I looked away. I was afraid to answer. Afraid you'd laugh at me. Afraid you'd think to yourself how horrible it was. Afraid you'd never let me again. Because I already knew I'd want to.
I returned your gaze, meeting your questioning glance with a defiant one of my own. Too late, you were curious, and you weren't going to take no for an answer. I breathed deeply, shutting my eyes tight. Well, it was nice knowing you, I said to myself. And I asked you.
I opened my eyes to find you staring at me in disbelief, a furious blush creeping up your cheeks. I think that should have been all the answer I needed. But I still held back, unsure, not just scared, but terrified.
"Well..lean", you mumbled. And I froze (idiot!).
Slowly, I obeyed, gently capturing your soft lips with my own. Feeling a tingle go through my palm, I cupped your cheek, my thumb tracing your right cheekbone, my other hand at the small of your back, pulling you closer, using the crisp air as an excuse to hold you just a little tighter, and you slipped your arms around me.
I kissed you like I wanted to take your breath away. I kissed you like I wanted you to catch me if I ever did let go. I kissed you because I didn't want to dream of anyone but you. I kissed you because, right there, right then, I was the weak link, I was the one not in charge. I kissed you because I needed you to have faith in me, especially all the times that I do not have faith in myself. I kissed you not because you needed it, but because I did.
After a while, we began to run out of air, and broke off, breathless again, chuckling to ourselves, your forehead resting against mine, eyes closed.
"So, uh..how long was that?", you asked, grinning.
"About five minutes.."
"And how much longer do we have before we have to go?"
"Um..a while, I guess.."
You reached out and rubbed the stubble on the side of my chin with your thumb.
"Good. Because I want to kiss you again."
I want to tell you this. All of this. But I cannot. Simply because I do not know how to. And that you know, all too well.
Because I don't want to be shut out and kept at arm's length.
Because, as much as I like the cold, I don't want to be left out in it.
Because I'd rather be around you and not be able to touch you, than be ostracized and still not be able to touch you.
Because sometimes the road less travelled, is less travelled for a reason.
Because the reason I feel the way I do about you, it's not something you can see in a mirror.
Because be it 15 hours apart, or 15000 miles away, some things do not change.
Because I can never be what I have to be, if I'm always looking over my shoulder at what could have been.
Because every day is a battle, and the hardest part is that I have to wake up and fight myself.
Because the second I realized the way I feel about you, I decided you could never know. Because I knew you wouldn't feel the same way, and you had to realize that, all on your own.
Because you will always mean more to me, than I will ever mean to you, and this isn't petulance, it's just me being my flagrantly candid self.
Because you have my dreams. And I have broken things, rattling around inside my chest.
That was how it was. We stopped running, under an awning, by a quiet, sleepy, mist-covered trail. The kind that stolen moments are made of. Standing there, catching our breaths, I looked at you, wanting to make sure you were alright. And all I could think of was that, even in your sheer exhaustion, you looked prettier than a rainbow, a heady mix of someone both sweet and tough.
You have this innate tranquility about you that makes people pay attention. You’re beautiful, sure, but it’s a lot more than just that. You’re immensely captivating. The world unfolds as if just for you. You smile at no one in particular, and everyone feels like you’re giving them a gift, their own personal talisman, warming them from within. They stop. They smile back. You make that happen. You are different. You are special.
You are strong, so quietly strong that a stranger might miss the toughness beneath the soft exterior. Something anchors you to the earth, even when the emptiness threatens to let you slowly float away. You do not let the nothingness win, for there is a something-ness that pushes you to keep fighting. You feel you are weak, but you are truly a warrior.
You do not fail. You make mistakes and you rectify them as best you can and you try again, and sometimes you make more mistakes, but you’re never afraid to make them. Failure fails to define you, because you are a paragon of resilience, of valiance, of pushing forward when it would be so much easier to stop. You know, somehow, that the easy way is a trap and that you are always a better person for choosing what is difficult, because it is right.
I am replaceable. Very much so. There are dozens of me waiting to have their lives touched by someone like you. You are the one who cannot be replaced. You, with your sarcasm and your maddening modesty and your propensity to never see that which I see in you. You, with your inability to mince words and your blunt observations and your willingness to simply be, no matter how uncomfortable.
No one will ever replace you.
Exactly as you are, right now, with your quirks and your scars and your dreams.
You.
You sensed my stare, looked back at me, a question in your eyes. My stomach jumped, I looked away. I was afraid to answer. Afraid you'd laugh at me. Afraid you'd think to yourself how horrible it was. Afraid you'd never let me again. Because I already knew I'd want to.
I returned your gaze, meeting your questioning glance with a defiant one of my own. Too late, you were curious, and you weren't going to take no for an answer. I breathed deeply, shutting my eyes tight. Well, it was nice knowing you, I said to myself. And I asked you.
I opened my eyes to find you staring at me in disbelief, a furious blush creeping up your cheeks. I think that should have been all the answer I needed. But I still held back, unsure, not just scared, but terrified.
"Well..lean", you mumbled. And I froze (idiot!).
Slowly, I obeyed, gently capturing your soft lips with my own. Feeling a tingle go through my palm, I cupped your cheek, my thumb tracing your right cheekbone, my other hand at the small of your back, pulling you closer, using the crisp air as an excuse to hold you just a little tighter, and you slipped your arms around me.
I kissed you like I wanted to take your breath away. I kissed you like I wanted you to catch me if I ever did let go. I kissed you because I didn't want to dream of anyone but you. I kissed you because, right there, right then, I was the weak link, I was the one not in charge. I kissed you because I needed you to have faith in me, especially all the times that I do not have faith in myself. I kissed you not because you needed it, but because I did.
After a while, we began to run out of air, and broke off, breathless again, chuckling to ourselves, your forehead resting against mine, eyes closed.
"So, uh..how long was that?", you asked, grinning.
"About five minutes.."
"And how much longer do we have before we have to go?"
"Um..a while, I guess.."
You reached out and rubbed the stubble on the side of my chin with your thumb.
"Good. Because I want to kiss you again."
I want to tell you this. All of this. But I cannot. Simply because I do not know how to. And that you know, all too well.
Because I don't want to be shut out and kept at arm's length.
Because, as much as I like the cold, I don't want to be left out in it.
Because I'd rather be around you and not be able to touch you, than be ostracized and still not be able to touch you.
Because sometimes the road less travelled, is less travelled for a reason.
Because the reason I feel the way I do about you, it's not something you can see in a mirror.
Because be it 15 hours apart, or 15000 miles away, some things do not change.
Because I can never be what I have to be, if I'm always looking over my shoulder at what could have been.
Because every day is a battle, and the hardest part is that I have to wake up and fight myself.
Because the second I realized the way I feel about you, I decided you could never know. Because I knew you wouldn't feel the same way, and you had to realize that, all on your own.
Because you will always mean more to me, than I will ever mean to you, and this isn't petulance, it's just me being my flagrantly candid self.
Because you have my dreams. And I have broken things, rattling around inside my chest.
