Yes, I'm 30... On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the most awesome you can be, *I* am a 30. You're welcome.
Since graduation (2005), I've been spending a lot of time fighting the Folks on the malignant malice, that is as conducive to a happy life as a bull is to a bone china emporium. Come to think of it, it even begins and ends with the same letters as the word 'Malice'. It is also a taboo term on this blog (and in my life, in general), hence I'll bestow upon it the title "U-No-Poo - the constipation sensation that is gripping the nation."
But I digress..
So, of course, the Folks had to bring this up when I reached the momentous (I suppose..) tri-decade milestone. And, of course, it had to turn into a spectacular waterworks display as well. And why? Because I can't live the rest of my life being shunned by a society that is more into appearances than honesty? Because life is less about living the way you want to and more about compromising your choices to keep everyone happy?
Compromises, yes. Suicidal ones, might want to think again. I’m obligated to a lot of people but not at the cost of my (or someone else’s) sanity.
If I was a perennially obedient son, maybe I too would have married some really sweet docile home-birdie that my parents picked out for me.
My parents would be happy, the church, that stupid Kerala Samajam back home, everyone would be happy thinking “Yes, Eby did the right thing, he married within the community, within his religion, conforming to all the rules of society that was set up by a bunch of hypocritical old farts.”
But iron WOULD enter my hitherto kind soul and I would absolutely detest having to live by someone else’s rules. And being the submissive son and member of “society” that I would be, all that wrath inside me would pour itself out on that innocent blameless girl who had the misfortune to be married to me.
I have a conscience, one that would not let me live with the fact that I sentenced some unwitting girl to a lifetime of that. Forget society, even to please my parents, nothing gives me the right to take away that girl’s right to a chance at happiness.
Galatians 6:4 - "You should each judge your own conduct. If it is good, then you can be proud of what you yourself have done, without having to compare it with what someone else has done."
"Everyone else is doing it" is not a good enough reason. Just isn't. If my peers from school decide to take the plunge, that is their call, their own choice. That is no grounds for me having to do the same. And tying the knot simply because a particular community or a religion advocates it, is just plain absurd.
Religion, ironically, may send more people to hell than anything else. Religion, ostensibly, is Man's quest/adoration for a Supreme Being, or God. But today, religion is more about ridiculous rules and rituals than about people. And since when is God more about rules than people? Alright I have no clue about the rest, but isn't Christianity purported to be about God's attempt to reconcile with an exceedingly wayward mankind?
And what is the point of being the 'socially-accepted' religious kind if you are zero on faith? The New Testament says in as many words, that you cannot "earn" your way into heaven, it is just faith and His grace that get you through. Or are you the kind that starts having doubts about what you believe in, after reading something like The DaVinci Code? Is that all your faith is? Pot, kettle, black, anyone?
Sidenote: I don't intend this to come out wrong, I loved The DaVinci Code, I have read it multiple times, and I bear absolutely no ill-will towards Dan Brown. The book, the content, the allegations, made absolutely no impact on what I believe in. And I am a God person, though not (never!) a church person.
Knowing me, even if I was stuck in a marriage that I didn't want to begin with, I probably wouldn't turn into the animal I spoke about earlier. Being mean is too much effort. But regardless, I still wouldn't want to be a nice guy. Two reasons :-
A) It is cliched. Beyond belief. Period. It is immensely cliched, so much that cliches go hang themselves at the cliche. Yes, the point of the "Period" has been compromised and I have resorted to yet another cliche, but I blame that on the cliche. And this is milder of the two reasons, since this is just from the logophile/sequipedalian in me.
B) The second reason is a lot more carnal (where "carnal" is not to be taken in its visceral sense). Nice guys don't get laid. Yet another "period". Like teddy bears. You wouldn't want to be one. Teddy bears get the "oooh"s, the "aaah"s and the "awww"s, and then they are picked up and stowed in the dark corner at the topmost shelf of the unused closet. Nice guys don't get where they intend to. They are dropped on the sidewalk, like used tissue. Nice guys are befriended for what they are good at, and when the usefulness peters out, attitudes revert, almost unbelievably instantly, to who-are-you-and-why-the-hell-are-you-in-my-breathing-space.
If I was that good, I wouldn't be where I am right now.. I'd have someone to interlace fingers with while driving, I'd have someone's hands ruffling the hair at the back of my head for no reason, I'd have someone who'd snuggle up to me when they were cold, I'd have someone whose hair I could nuzzle and inhale from, hell, I'd have someone to just hug and sleep, when I wake up umpteen times in the nights..
Like butterscotch ice-cream with crushed cashew nuts..
Like the morning of your birthday (even if you are turning 30!)..
Like a long drive through wintry valleys and fall colours..
You say I'm cynical. Yes, I sure am. But cynicism didn't just plop into my head on a fine Sunday morning. Cynicism was brewed from a lifetime of meeting people, the likes of whom I've talked about here, on this space.
I won't say that I am unaffected when I see others together. I do get that slight twinge of envy. That wistfulness when I think of someone. But at the end of the day, there is a sense of responsibility, an emotional maturity that I do not possess, so I'm okay knowing I'm exactly where I'm meant to be, where He meant me to be..
I'd agree with JD, I can't say for sure, but maybe people aren't meant to be by themselves. Maybe if you actually find someone you care about, it's important that you let go of the little things. Even if you can't let go all the way. It's true, nothing sucks more than being all alone, no matter how many people are around. Believe me, I know that first-hand! And maybe, in part, it is comforting to know that, while I'm sitting at home, staring at this screen, just wishing that I had someone to sit quietly by, none of the idiots who have someone out there realize how lucky they are.
30 is the new 20. Amen.
Now, gym.
