Charred Letters

I miss you. There are few people I want around me. Few people I've grown to love and trust and respect. I want them all around me. Near me. Ready to hug me when I want to be hugged. Ready to hold my hand through the night in the middle of nowhere. In my selfish little world, I want just these people in my life.

There was that time when we were talking so much, there was this pathetic part of me that would have fallen hook, line and sinker for you. At the risk of sounding like a Fascist, I want that shameless no-strings attached flirting back..

I've learnt that...there are times when you want someone to hear all that you have to say, to hear you cry..
And there are times when you want to curl up alone and just stay like that..
You were the only person I knew how to tell things to..

I don't claim to understand any part of what you've been through or are going through.. I don't claim to be your best friend who can just make everything else seem irrelevant with one little hug.. But I have 28 years of experience in turning away people who genuinely like me and care about me, and running after people who don't give a flying rat's ass about whether I live or die..
Things happen, people change, that I know.. I just don't want anything changing for the worse..

I do not want to hate. There is no part of me that wants that. Believe me. All hate does is maybe make you a good soldier. Makes you want to put every bullet smack in the middle of the other person's forehead! I do not want to hate.

..And there are smiles that do not reach the eyes

Memories streaking down the cheeks

Charred Letters waiting to be found

Closer than you know, nowhere around

Harsh as this may sound, let's get some things straight..
I'm not asking you to be "the friend I want".. Right now, or ever..
I'm not asking you to open up and/or talk to me..
Let's face it.. I'm bad at all that.. I can't set anything right, I cannot give advice, I cannot turn back time.. I'm not God.. I'm pretty much yet another average-Joe flawed human being.. 

I just want you to be okay.. It's been too long..way too long..
And you've been missed..

 

Insurmountable Distances

I have broken through to people before.. Because I wanted to.. Because I tried.. And they did not resent me trying.. And it's the same with whoever else..

If I care, I'll try, I'll try every goddamn bit that I can try.. But if you keep shutting out people, you cannot expect them to always hang around and keep knocking on the doors you've slammed on their face.. Perseverance only lasts for so long.. Hope is a good thing and no good thing ever dies, yes.. It does fade out though..

Have you ever felt unwelcome? Like when you are with one of your closest friends and you feel a shift in a faraway place and a tide of unstoppable fate crashing into you, taking you away from this person?

Like when you talk to someone after ages and you realise that nothing has changed and yet nothing stayed the same? Like when you start feeling that the sarcasm you were used to for ages, now, for some reason, has an added level of scornful malevolence to it?

I'm tired of calling up, I'm tired of mailing, I'm tired of being the one keeping in touch.. I'm tired of being the fool, I'm tired of being the spare tyre, I'm sure-as-heaven tired of being a doormat..

I'm tired of being the phone call that's not answered..

I'm tired of being the message that is not replied to..

I'm tired of being out-of-sight-out-of-mind..

It doesn't make sense when we have had very few moments together and you remove those from memory, you know. And so I removed mine as well. It might not matter to you; it did matter to me. Still does. How do I forget about you? This whole writing spree is meant to help me come to terms with who I am. Honest, candid, rude, and most times, direct. That’s how I want to keep it here. Though there are times I’d rather wear a mask.

Am I meant just for amusement? Is that what you consider me, a jester? Someone whom you can talk to when there’s no one else, and then leave all of a sudden when you’ve got better people to spend your time with? Is that all???

The ache inside doesn't go away, the eyes don't stop burning, however much you cover it up with people, places, things.. You don't care, and I want to stop, I SO want to stop caring too.. But I can't. Simply because I'm not effing wired that way! There's the one voice that comes from the joke of an organ within my chest, the heart, that simply cries with every beat "WHYMEWHYTHIS". Then there's the brain that's much better, that makes a lot more sense, telling me to move on. Stupid brain is just not as loud as the heart.. The heart that feels like Christmas morning every time it thinks of you..

I don't want to be hard on anyone.. As much as I do profess it, I do not enjoy being mean or sarcastic.. If you love someone, you need to show it.. not by words, not even by action.. Just by being there.. By being around..

I don't have to say anything, I don't have to do something.. I just want to be the hand, you can slip your hand into, as we walk along, just for reassurance, just to keep warm, just to be your anchor..

I do need people.. I sorely miss not being with you.. I'm just really good at hiding it.. Maybe..

Missing you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.. And I'm still doing it.. Convincing myself I don't like you and that I don't need you is next..

I miss you

I do

But are we meant to be together?

I so wish I knew

I pray..

for the courage to endure times of testing..

for the faith to keep anticipating, keep hoping, keep believing..

for the spirit to walk and not feel faint..

for the strength to run and not be weary..

for the patience to be patient.